A Letter From Aba II

So, at some point, after a year, the woman gave us an ultimatum to leave her house. At that point, our house just had a zinc, no windows, so we had to run around, put the windows in, and we moved into the place like that. So, as it stands, that is just how our house has been. When we moved in, there was no toilet. We just moved in.

The floor was nothing, you know, I don't know what it's called in housing terms, building terms, but it just had zinc and a window, no plastering. Okay, just two rooms were plastered, and that was it. So, we moved in like that.

It was four months after we moved in that we finally had a toilet. Then, the toilet we had was a friend of mine, actually, who came to the house, saw the state of things, and she gathered money and gave us money to put in a toilet. And then, his madam that he calls mom, also came to the house.

She wanted someone to come to the house, so my husband had to explain to her that we didn't have a toilet, so he couldn't really accommodate anybody.

Then, in December of 2024, I had an issue with my husband. I got a job to teach in a school once a week. Then the job just lasted for the, for the term. That was it.

So, um, December of that 2024, we were supposed to come and visit my parents. After we left my parents' house, the time we, we came back, in 2022, from the US, we stayed in Lagos from October 2022 until January 2022. And then, in February 2023, we moved into the madam's husband's house. We stayed there from February to April, and then we moved out. Then, by May, we moved there on February 1. So, by May 1, I was back at my parents' house. And then I stayed here May, June, July. And then we moved to the woman's house.

So, um, I told him let's, um, that I'd like for us to come spend Christmas. In 2023, I told him, he said no, that we are not going. I let it go. August 2024, I told him, he said no, that he didn't have money, that we were not going. Each time I tell him, he says he will not, because he does not have money for transport. I tell him okay, let me bring half of the money while you bring half. He says he does not have. I let it go.

So, in December 2024, I was talking with my brother, so he was like, you know, we should go, my cousins are coming, let the kids have fun together and all that.

So, I was like, yeah, it's a good idea, but you know, a lot of logistics are involved. So, he sent me money. I did not ask him. I did not tell him a lot of money, I did not, I just, you know, tried to tell him we'll go, we'll try and go, but the logistics is so much. So, he understood that the logistics was money, so he sent me money.

I went and told my husband, hey, see, he sent me money out of the, you know, I didn't ask him for money. He was there, in fact, when the call was made. So, when I sent the money, when I received the money, he was not there, so I ran to him and told him oh, wow, see what happened, you know. He was like, okay, that's good. Um, he now said okay, well, since we have the money, let's make an arrangement on how we get there.

So, um, we started getting ready for the trip. Meanwhile, my kids were in a kids' choir, Enugu kids' choir, so we usually take them to rehearsals and come back. I was one of the organizers.

Now, when we were planning to come back, we had issues again. So, some of these issues are just that he was not helping me.

Now, I homeschool my kids. We both agreed we were going to homeschool the children, which, in fact, before he agreed, he said he was, um, he needed to, he didn't agree at first, in fact, before he agreed.

He said outrightly no, that we're going to be registered, they were going to be registered in school when we come back to Nigeria. I said okay. But I was already homeschooling my, my eldest daughter in the US before we came back. So, when we came back, I stylishly called, um, his madam and told her, oh, I'm homeschooling the kids, you know.

She said, yeah, that's a very good idea, homeschool children, you know all that stuff, all that stuff.

So, when, because I knew she was going to discuss it with my husband, and because I know whatever she says stands, it's like she's running my home from the background.

So, when I told her, she told my husband that's a good idea, that was when my husband said okay, um, you can go ahead and homeschool the children.

So, because I homeschool the children, I spend a lot of time with them, um, building curriculum, looking online, teaching them, marking, you know, stuff, and all that. And, so, when we were in the US, I was doing most of the work, but he was helping, at least then, my eldest daughter, when she was going to school, the month that she went to school, he was dropping her off, picking her up from school.

But now, thinking about it, maybe it was because he was the one who learned; both of us learned to drive in Nigeria before we left. When we got to the US, he started driving; in fact, I was the one who encouraged him to start driving. So, when he started driving, he got his license. I told him now it's my turn, you, because in the US, somebody who has a license has to be in front of the car if you're a learner. I told him now it's my turn, you be in front of the car while I learn how to drive, but he refused. He didn't let me drive; he didn't let me learn to drive. I didn't learn to drive again.

So, when we were in the US, anywhere the kids needed to be, sometimes he would take us, sometimes he wouldn't. I now started taking the bus with my children to wherever we wanted to go because he wasn't available to take us.

But he was helping a bit in the US.

We cook in bulk in the US, so, um, we go to the store, buy whatever we need to buy, both of us prep whatever we needed to prep, and then he does bulk of the cooking, like cooking stew in bulk, cooking soup in bulk, but I, if we're cooking stew, you know, I wash tomatoes, blend, um, I cut the okra for, for the soup, but he does the actual cooking, while I clean up, you know. So, so when I would complain, you know, I do everything, basically everything in the house, because bulk cooking is like once, once a month. So, all those other little cooking, washing, ironing, they were left for me, washing the toilet, you know, all those things that every other house chores I did them.

Even while pregnant, and I have this, um, something in my leg, they said is a plantar wart, that disturbs me. So, I don't usually like standing, and when I was pregnant, it was worse, because when I'm standing, it hurts my leg a lot. And during pregnancy, I had some issues. I had, you know, just normal pregnancy issues. I didn't stand for long, I didn't have so much strength

So, but amidst all those things, I was still the one, you know, doing all this, um, homemaking, homekeeping, and all that.

So, when I complain, he'll tell me okay, don't worry, when I'm done with school, I will help more around the house. And that was how that problem was, you know, solved at that time, because he told me when he was done with school that he would help more.

Now, getting to Nigeria, he was helping a little bit at first, but then it was still me doing the bulk; there was always a reason why he was not helping.

It's either oh, I need to write this paper, oh I need to get this done, oh this, oh that, which I was trying to understand, but I told him, see, I'm a human being, and I also, you know, after childbirth, I started having waist pain and back pain.

So, I tried to explain to him, these things, um, they, they worsen when I do some of these, you know, chores. You have to help when you can. I sweep, I mop, I cook, I clean, and I wash. But, ah, these are the things, you know, if, if it were to be that I'm just a stay-at-home mom, I'm not doing anything else, okay, fine, but I'm also teaching the children. I'm also trying to get a business running. It doesn't seem fair on your part to leave all these things for me. And I'm also providing for the home. You know, we are not running a home where only the man provides, and only the woman keeps the home.

So, I'm doing a lot of other things while, even if you are not going out, you will just lie down in bed while I struggle and do all these things. You will not agree to bathe the children, you will not agree to feed them, you will not, unless I ask you, then please can you please, please now please, you know, these are our children, they're not mine alone.

So, he would do, maybe after if I talk this week, he does, you know, a few days in the week, and then that's it, go back to square one again.

So, meanwhile, whatever I say does not really stand unless the woman agrees to it. At some point, I told him, see, I need to rest. My body is telling me I need to rest. You need to give me some time off to rest.

I've been saying this since we were in the US. You need to give me some time off to rest.

You can't compare me to other women. I'm not another woman, I'm me. I know I'm strong, but I also need rest because when I die, life will move on. He didn't give me the rest until I took it by myself. And that was 2023 January. I told him that I am taking off three days. He got angry.

When he went to the madam and told her, the madam said it was actually a good idea.

That was when he came back to me and, you know, started smiling. I was now like, oh, because she said it's, is a good idea. If she didn't say it was, if she said it wasn't a good idea, you'd have still been, you know, angry with me that I took some time off to rest. Meanwhile, you go out, you come back, you rest.

At night, I'm awake doing curriculum or doing something, I'm not sleeping well, I'm checking on the children, letting them not fall off the bed, taking them out, um, to pee. All these things, yet that is not fair.

Now, after we moved into the house, because it was all dusty, I started getting sick more often.

So, I told him I, I don't like sweeping this house because of the dust, it's causing me, um, to get sick more often. So, what I do is I pick up the paper, you know, paper, the kids when they do crafts, cut things, you know, I just pick it up, I don't sweep it. He said we should be spraying water, pouring water, and then sweeping. I told him that even with the pouring water, it still affects my health.

Since he's doing the, since he can do that one, let him be doing that one.

Now, when we moved into the house, I practically begged him to let us find a carpenter to fix some stuff. No, we don't have a chair, we don't have a table, we don't have a kitchen cabinet, we don't have anything in that house. After begging and pleading and cajoling, he refused.

I was the one who took, um, nail and, um, wood. I made a makeshift table. I made a makeshift kitchen counter. The chair we have, one of my friends was moving out of her house, and I told her to send me the chairs, and some other stuff she sent me that could be sent. So she sent me those things.

When I told him to please help me go pick up these things from the park because, of course, I can't, I can't, it's because we live inside the village, it would be difficult for me to, okay, no, we were not living inside the village then, we were living in town in Enugu in the madam's house. But the, um, waybill arrived at night, so I told him to please help me go and pick up these items. He was angry. When these things arrived, he started using them. I was now telling him, oh, so, like, you know, jokingly, shey you were angry when I told you to go and pick these things up, you see that they're helping us now.

Now, the chairs we have in that house, plastic chairs, three plastic chairs, and three kids' chairs, are the ones my friend sent me. He says he don't have any money to buy anything. I was the one who bought the stuff we're using in the kitchen, like drums, buckets, and, you know, some little plastic stuffs that we need to use in the kitchen. I was the one who got them. He just has this lackadaisical attitude toward things.

I try to tell him, let's make this house a home. Yes, it's not what we, what we want now, but let's make it a home. We are the ones who will make it a home. Yet, at the end of the day, I was the one who made it a home. I was the one who fixed and arranged the kids' room, fixed up everything, made it, at least, look, you know, homely. The boxes, I arranged them, our clothes, I put them in our closet, I hung our clothes, used a nylon to cover them so that, um, the dust doesn't, you know, destroy them. I tried to make this house a home.

While I was doing this, the madam came to the house. They were talking in the room, so when she was leaving, I, you know, one of the tables I made, I jokingly called my husband and said, see, see the table I fixed. So, he was now like I should make sure nothing spoils. Ah! After all my labors of work, this is all I get. The woman was now like, ah ah, at least encourage her for the one she did now, you don't just, um, that her morale will die, oh. So that was when he said, Mm, she actually did a good job, oh, she did a good job. That was it. All my efforts just went down the drain. I still didn't complain.

Now, ah, I'm trying to go into details as much as I can. Now, when, um, when we started having issues yet again about who does this, who does that, who sweeps the house. I try to explain to him, you know, why I cannot sweep this. You have seen me get sick over and over again.

In fact, no, I don't buy drugs from Enugu again, they waybill drugs from Aba for me because the one that works, the runny nose drugs I take now that works is only from Aba. The whole of Enugu market does not have it. That is not fair that I'll be doing all these things while sometimes he will just be on the phone.

He'll just be, um, pressing it for, watching YouTube videos, watching Facebook videos. That is not fair. While I also do the job of, um, raising the children. I'm the one who will wake them up in the morning to pray.

I'm the one who will pray with them. After prayer, I'll brush them. After that, I will take them, um, to, you know, all the morning routine, I'm the one. And then, I'll still make breakfast, make lunch, make dinner. That is not fair now. I'll still buy the things we need to use with my own money. That is not fair now. He didn't say anything. Now, ah, I've been bearing these things all this while. I think I'm moving ahead of myself. I wanted to mention 2024 December.

To Be Continued…