A Letter From Aba IV

He said, "Why am I telling him now?" I told him, "Didn't I tell you that, you know, this is how it's gonna be? If the appraisal is this day, we're gonna leave the next day." He didn't respond.

So I , packed everything. We came down. Before we came down to Aba, the night before we came down to Aba, I told him, I went to his room and asked him, "Why are you treating us like this? I really didn't want to know what I did to you that you are treating us like this. We have a car, but we cannot use it.

You are unavailable for the children, you are unavailable for me, you are just available for your madam only, and her family”

Before this time, I've gone to the madam. One of the times, the madam, I went to her and told her, "See what's going on in my home, oh, your son", because she said he is her son

"Your son is taking your family more important than my own family, than the family he started with me. Your, your son is not available for us spiritually, emotionally, academically, morally, or financially. He's not there."

She told me that I've not even seen a quarter of what she's seen in her own home. That's what she told me. That I should just go and be praying. That, um, she's not sure that she will even call him to talk to him about this.

I told him, "Well, I'm telling you because if this thing is not resolved by 2026, I have to find my way. I have to find, go and find myself, because, um, since they started comparing me with, um, people, it’s better I brush up on myself and find a way."

I have to find, um, and find myself, you know, going back to school, get a job. And that I will leave the kids with him while I go and find myself; if he's not interested in the marriage, then he should tell me.

The woman said I should just go and pray. That's what she told me. She narrated to me all she has been suffering in her husband's house. I can see there is not even a quarter of what she has been going through. That even the house that she's in right now, that house that the man said we should leave, the one we stayed only 3 months, that her name is not in it, that her, the land, that all the places the husband has bought properties, that her name is not in it. So this one is just one, you know, that I should just bear it. That's what she told me.

Now, before we left for Aba, a night prior to, I came to him, and I still asked him, "What have I done to you? Can you just tell me exactly what I've done to you? Let me know what I've done to you. Now the children, I've seen I'm a bad wife, I'm very bad, I'm evil. What about the children? What have they done to you? If I'm not feeling well, these children will go to bed without having a bath. And you are happy with it. You take your bath. You will not remember that you have children. What have we actually done to you that you are treating us like this? Just let me know." For two hours, he totally ignored me.

I went to bed.

The next morning, we packed up and came to Aba. When he dropped us off, he told my parents that he, that we would stay here until he says that we should come back. That I'm not obeying leadership and authority. That I'm disrespecting him. My parents said, "Okay. First of all, this is not how you go about it.

You don't just bring back my daughter without any prior notice. They came for the holidays. My grandma died. So we came for both holidays and the burial. So," my parents told him, "as long as we are concerned, my children and my grandchildren come for burial and holidays. When the burial is done, you can now come, let's talk about this." He said, "Okay." He left.

He did not even care to come for the burial.

Meanwhile, on the day of the burial, he went to a party with another of his friends.

He went to the man's house. He traveled to the man's house, actually, for the party, but he could not travel for the burial here.

Now, after the burial, my father waited two weeks to see if he would call him to say, "Okay, sir, the burial is done, when can I come, let's discuss this." He didn't call.

I called the sister and explained the situation to the sister. What the sister told me was, "Where is it heard that a man will wash the dishes in his own house?" I told my sister, "I'm telling you that I fell and broke my ribs. I'm telling you that your brother is not taking his home seriously. He only goes to the woman's house. And this is all you are telling me, 'Where is it heard that a man, um, washes the dishes in his house?' Is it not a home that we are making together? Where is it heard that a woman will be the one to buy the textbooks for the, every one of my children's education? I have been the one buying the textbooks. Sometimes I, I spend 150,000 on textbooks. He has not contributed one naira, and this is all you are telling me." So I ended the call.

So when my dad waited for two weeks, he didn't call. My dad called him and told him that he, in fact, should come with his people, all those people that came for the marriage, that he should come with them. He said, "Okay, sir." Within a space of hours, he had already called them. And they now started calling me, "What's going on? What's going on? What's going on?"

So, to some of them, I explained the situation. To some of them, I said, "When you come,"

Exactly what I did. All these things I'm telling you are what I think might be the issue. But I don't know what happened that he will come and drop us here.

My brother called him and asked him what was going on.

He told my brother that I'm being disrespectful.

My brother said, "Okay. You guys stayed in the US for how many years? There were no issues. Is it now that you have come back to Nigeria?

In the US, that is where the problem should have even arisen. The problem did not arise there. It is now that you guys have moved back to Nigeria that you're talking about disrespect? How has she disrespected you?"

He said that I'm not serving him food. That I'm not dishing food for him and bringing it to the table, let him eat. My brother said, "Is that your issue? Who does that? Like, even if she's not, is that why you will, you know, come and drop her off like that? Is there any other serious, you know, thing?" He said, "No. Nothing, nothing else."

So my brother explained the situation to me. I told my brother, "See, he already compared me with somebody." My brother said that he must be dating the lady.

Before then, I went through his phone. I saw the chats he was having with this lady. You know, they were getting emotionally entangled. So, I didn't say anything. That was before we came to Aba. I didn't say anything. I didn't tell anyone all this while. So, I intentionally shut up.

Now, when those people called me, some of them said they were not coming, that we should try to fix the issue first. If it doesn't, if it's not resolved, then, you know, they will step in. So they told me to please beg my father, let it just be him and his siblings who will come. So my dad agreed, let him and his siblings come.

Before they came, I called the madam'She didn't pick. All she was doing was sending me marriage videos on YouTube via whatsapp

So, when they came and left after a while, she... when they came, the day the siblings came here, the issue was not resolved.

What issue did he raise? That I am not submissive to leadership and authority. That he's the leader, he's the one, he's the head, that I'm not being submissive to him.

The example he gave was that when we came back from the US, my son messed up his underwear, and I threw it away. Then he told me to, to wash the underwear. I told him, "I cannot wash this one, oh, that is bad." He said I should wash it. I insisted I was not washing the underwear, so I threw it away. He told me to go to the trash and go and pick up the underwear. The trash outside the house. So I told him, "I'm not doing that, uh, how will I go to the trash and pick up underwear? That I've trashed it now, let it go." He said okay, I should go and bring it, let him wash it. I said, "I'm not, I'm not going." So he went and picked it and washed it. I bought this underwear with my money

It's not like this is the only underwear this boy has. I buy, you know, stuff for my children, so they have enough. So that was the issue he raised.

Then another issue is that I'm not being respectful. He said my siblings came, but I did not even call him to tell him that my siblings came to visit me. This is somebody who traveled without telling me.

He just told me the night before he traveled that he was traveling. And then he got there, he didn't even care to say, "I've arrived." He did not drop one naira before he traveled.

He did not call all the while he was there to say, "How are you guys?" Somebody I will now call, and it's not the first time. I will now call you to tell you that my siblings have come, so what will happen? So the examples he gave, the siblings were now like, "Ah ah, is this my..." his siblings and my own siblings and parents were like, "Is this the issue?

Did anything else happen?

Like, did she cheat?" "No.

"So this is it?"

"Yes."

So they now told me to talk. I said, "How will I, um, if I'm not being submissive to leadership and authority, how will I pack my bags and come back from the US when I could have stayed? How will I..." you know, I started giving them examples of how I've sacrificed my life just for him to forge ahead in his own life. And it doesn't seem to be enough. I told them how I'll be sick, and he will not care to take care of the children because he thinks it is my responsibility.

if I don't do it, then it doesn't get done. But I've been providing for the home, even though I am not working, so to speak.

People outside don't even know that I make a little money, you know, from that I'm doing online stuff. S

o how is it that I'm not being obedient to leadership and authority? Is there not a leader who is available who will lead? That he's not even available for us, he just goes to the woman's house, he listens to whatever the woman says, is what stands in my home.

One other thing he said was that I don't play the traditional roles of a wife. I now asked him, "Are we doing traditional marriage or are we doing kingdom marriage? As in Christian marriage." That the marriage I know is a partnership. "You do the one you can, I do the one I can. Both of us will run the home. It's not left for anybody. Traditional roles, is it not cooking, cleaning? So you want me to take up all these things and also take up the traditional roles of a husband, and you'll be happy?" I told them, "I'm not doing that.

There's nowhere written in the Bible where the woman does the traditional roles. Who made these traditional roles? It's the society. So I'm not going to run my, my home based on society. Let us run the home based on, um, the Christians that we are."

He said that if I don't agree to the traditional roles of a wife, then there's no need.

He now asked when he could see the children, because when he came, I took the children out. I, I explained to my parents, "I need to take the children out of this house so that they don't see, because I envisioned there's gonna be issues." So they don't see us, you know, having issues, as they don't see their parents having issues. So when he came, he didn't see them. He said I intentionally didn't want him to see the children.

I told him, "The children you said I don't want you to see, you dropped us here, you did not leave one naira for us. On the road to this place, my child was sick. My second daughter was sick. You were leaving, I told you, you have to give us money, let me buy drugs. Since I have to be begging you for money, let me start doing it now. He gave us 2,000 naira. That was what he gave us to buy medicine for my second daughter. I told him, "This money will not be enough.”

"So I bought medications, and I gave this child. You did not even care to say, 'This child, how is she?' You didn't bother at all. Now, all this while we've been here, I have been providing for these children. My parents have been providing for these children. These children you have now, you just woke up and decided to come, and you would not have come to see them if not for this meeting we called.

Would you have come here? And you're telling me that, um, I took the, the children... that what I did was, I did it because I thought it was the wise, wise thing to do. It will not be wise for the children to see your own family, my own family; they will know something is wrong. So I'm trying to protect you, your image. That is, and you are still seeing it as a lack of respect, and you are seeing it as I'm trying to punish you."

He now said when is he coming to take the children? I said, "Which children? You are coming to take which children? How will you take care of them? The children that you cannot even bathe, you cannot even give them food. And you want to come and take them? Does he think that I'm going to allow him to come and take these children?" So they left.

Now, one of the people who did not come for the meeting, a professor, called me and said, "Okay, since the issue is not resolved, we should come to his house in Onitsha, let him try and resolve it, as he does not like meddling in marital issues. Well, let's come. Am I still willing for the marriage to work?" I said I'm willing. He said I should come.

I went to Onitsha.

What this man did was he said, "This is your complaint, man, this is your complaint, woman.

Now, both of you see what you are going to do. You, you start doing the traditional roles of a wife. Husband, start providing you start providing for the home, cut ties with the woman and the daughter of that woman that you're having emotional attachments to."

He now told my husband, "You reduce your, the way you relate with this woman." It was just instructions that he gave us. When they left us to talk, I told him, "This is not what will solve this problem. Let us go for counseling."

"If we had gone for counseling all this time, I've been begging you, 'Let's go for counseling.' You have grievances that even this man, the things he said, some of them you don't agree with. Let us go for counseling. Number two, I am not ready to go back to that house as it is right now."

That was one of the things I mentioned when they came to Aba, I told them that I'm not going to go back to the house, unless he fixes two rooms in the house and the kitchen. So that at least the kids and I will have a place to stay. The dust will still be there, yes, but it will be reduced.

The roof is leaking. The foundation of the house is shifting. I don't know how to explain it.

The foundation is shifting because the place has water issues. So the foundation is shifting from the house. So I told him, "Fix the room so I don’t have issues of dust mites falling on me and the children when we are sleeping. Even the kids' room, it's only his room that the dust mite does not fall in."

So when we went to Onitsha, I still told him, "You need to fix the house before we come, before we come back." Even the man told him, "You need to fix the house," and he also told him that he should put tiles and a ceiling. So when the man left us to talk alone, the man and the wife, I mentioned it again. "I'm willing to come back, but you need to fix the house. We need to go for counseling. And then," I told him, "you have hurt me so much. I really want to know if you have changed. If you are truly sorry. If you have truly changed."

Because it's not just about saying he's sorry for everything he has caused me. I will need to actually see that you have changed. Because for you to lock me out of your house, for you to see me in dire need, and for you to know that these children need you, but you neglected us, I need to see that you have changed. So I will stay back in my father's house for some time while we communicate on the phone. You know, let me see your emotional availability. And then while you work on the house, and while we do counseling."

"And for the traditional roles," the woman, the man's wife, whom we went to the meeting with, said that this is something we can agree on and find a solution to.

So I told him, "This one we can find a solution to, and the counselor will also help us find a solution to it. But to agree now for me to say okay, I will play the traditional roles of a wife. That I will not do it, because all this time I've not told you you're gonna play the traditional roles of a husband. Because you cannot provide all my needs. You cannot provide all the children's needs. And I will not let you be, you know, I know how much I, I don't know how much he earns, but you, a university lecturer, how much are you earning that you're going to provide all our needs? You are not God. So we will work together." That was what I told him.

"When are we coming back to Enugu?" He said that she should ask me, that she, that he does not understand what I'm saying. The woman asked me. I told the woman, "See the things I stated. The house is not a place I can say I'm coming back to right now because the tile has not been fixed. The house has not been fixed. Then we also need to go for counseling, because both of us now, we need it. And then he has hurt me so much, I need time apart from him while I heal. Because even if I come back now, I'll be looking at him like, 'So this person has the heart to do this.' I don't think I'm secure in his hands."

The man now said that means that I'm not ready now, that all the time they wasted is useless, that they just wasted their time, that I'm not ready.

I told him, "No. Both of us already said here that he needs to fix the house, which is what I'm still saying. The only thing I added is a counseling session. And time apart."

He said we should go back and heal together. I told him, "When my life has been at stake before. I need to know that this person has actually changed. If I go back there and something happens to me and I die, within one year, he will get married. So I need to see that he has actually changed while we go for a counseling session." He said that I'm not serious. And we should come and start going. We left, and he said that he's not putting his mouth into the issue anymore.

We came back, that’s it.

There has not been any further development

So at this point, I don't know what I'm doing again.

So after we went to this meeting. We went for the meeting on February 13th, and he has now started calling the children every day. He also started sending money for their upkeep.

He only calls to speak with his children

After the man told him, "You need to reduce your interaction with this woman who is breaking your home." That same weekend... that February 13th was a Friday. That same weekend, he packed his bag and went to the woman's house to stay. I called him to say that you have agreed to counsel us, and he said he was no longer interested.

Before he told me he was no longer interested, I asked him where he was; he said he was in Nsukka. I now asked him, because the woman lives in Nsukka. I now asked him, "What's going on in Nsukka?" He said, "Is that why I called him?" I said, I now asked him, "Don't I have a right to know what's going on in Nsukka?" He now asked me, "Do I? Do I have a right?" You know, he threw back the question at me.

Now I... after a while, I sent him a voice note explaining to him: "See, if I were to be your daughter and this is my situation, will you let me come back to your house having gone through all this in your hands?" I tried to remind him of, you know, the times when we've been good. And how these things started.

He replied by saying that since December 11th, he has been trying to resolve the issue by fixing a room to bring us back to the house

I now sent him back a text: "At the expense of one person? Like, you want me to come back, suffer with you, build with you, at my own expense?" He didn't respond.

So at this point, none of us is talking about coming back or going. I don't know what to do. That was why I sent you that message yesterday.

At this point, I'm like, I'm praying. Everybody is saying maybe somebody cast a spell, maybe I don't know where this is coming from, I don't know. This is not the person I married. Before I married him, he was... people used to call him a feminist because he would speak for women. He will, you know, he was a good Christian. He will go preach the gospel. We will pray together, read books together, and try to grow together spiritually. And then this is, this is what I get from all these years. So at this point, I don't know what I'm doing again.

To be continued...