Can Women Choose to be Providers for their Husbands?

It became obvious to some men recently that, outside of their ability to provide for their wives and family, they really have little or no other value. When these men lost the ability to provide, their wives deserted them, and their children also left them.

This is not so in every case, but it is so in the majority of cases.

The Question is, why do women lose interest in men who cannot provide for them? Sometimes the women have their own money, and in some cases, the women are very independently rich, and yet they find themselves unattracted to men who cannot provide for them or give them the kind of lifestyle that they believe they deserve.

Should women care for men financially, similar to how men are expected to care for women?

A Gender Stereotype That Is (Unfortunately) Engraved in Our Brain

We have been taught about gender norms and stereotypes our entire lives. Some of them could be helpful, while many, unfortunately, are irrefutably harmful. This particular one is toxic, harmful, and yet engraved in our brains. Men are Providers, and A man who cannot provide is worse than an Infidel.

People extol homekeeping wives, but they look down on homekeeping husbands.

I was a homekeeping husband for several years (not by choice but because I couldn’t get gainful employment for several years while my ex-wife had a flourishing career). It was one of the most shameful positions for a man to find himself in, according to my experience. The disrespect and condescending manner in which I was treated and the names I was called by the ex-wife at that time still sting as I recall them.

I didn’t just sit at home expecting the provider to return from work and cook the meals or care for the children; I felt that would be very unfair, and it would also earn me more insults and disrespect. So I kept the house, nursed the children from as early as when they were a few days old, did school runs, was present at PTA meetings, Open Days, sports, and recitals. Most times I was the only man at such meetings. I cooked, I cleaned, I washed (Thank God for washing machines), I cleaned, and I made myself available for sex whenever my ex-wife wanted it.

To my mind, it didn’t matter who was bringing in the money; we were raising a family, and it takes both of us working together in harmony to do that. My ex-wife had a career that she kick-started at the age of eighteen. I met her when she was twenty-seven. I was twenty-nine and a fresh graduate at the time

She wanted a husband, and no other man was in her life, so she settled for me with the hope that I would get a job and become the provider. I tried everything I could to get a job at the time, but nothing panned out, and I experienced firsthand what it means for love to turn to hate. The way she looked at me changed totally. I lost all respect, and sometimes she would address me as if I were just a house help.

Expressions like “That is all you are good for, cooking, sleeping, and sex” or “I am working my ass off while you are here petting a baby and calling it a life”, I even earned the nickname “Daddy Day Care” for my troubles. Her mother didn’t spare me her condescension, either. She told me one day, “Look at how my daughter has shrunk because she is feeding you and your children while you sit and watch TV all day.”

Why is it that women cannot stand being providers for their husbands and family? Especially when the man is responsible and complementing their effort willingly while ensuring that they have the rest of mind to pursue their careers and do not have to worry about the domestic challenges.

You will hear a lady who is providing for her family talking about her husband in a denigrating manner. “I bought the shirt he is wearing”, I put some money in his pocket to give his mother the last time she came visiting”, “He is living a fake life, living off me and pretending to his family as if he is the man of the house”, “That one is also calling himself a man, someone that should drop his trousers and tie a wrapper”

Almost every woman who finds herself in the position of providing for the family dislikes the role, especially when her husband is depending on her income too.

Why is this?

Certain stereotypes have always referenced gender norms. Back in the day, men were hunters, and women cared for the house. Wait, there were no houses so women cared for… caves? Okay, let it be caves. Men were portrayed as strong, resilient, brave, courageous, and skilled enough to find, trap, catch, and bring a wild animal home to their wives and children. Women were waiting for their men at home, ready to accept the catch and make dinner for the entire family.

Or at least, this is what we have believed for a long time until recently.

According to research at the University of Michigan, women were hunters, too, and they even taught young children how to hunt.

Nowadays, the world is very different from the Stone Age. We don't need to hunt to have food for breakfast, and modern men aren't being assigned this task. There isn't a huge need for women to take care of the house, either. Any adequate adult of any gender can feed themselves, clean their home, and overall be independent without any issues. Moreover, even young children are usually self-sufficient enough to find food, clean their rooms, and go to sleep. In the event you're a lazy and incapable grown-up, there are food delivery services and cleaning companies that can assist you.

So, maybe those stereotypes don't apply anymore—or at least they don't apply to most countries in the modern world.

Man Must Be the Provider. Or Must He?

Most adults can earn a living and live decently nowadays. There is no need to be dependent on anyone. Many single parents can raise children on their own, despite it not being easy.

The world has changed, and people are quite self-reliant. But of course, not everyone wants to be this way, and certain people perpetuate the idea of a traditional family, where the man works and earns money, and the woman stays home and raises children.

I am aware of how certain women think. There are still ladies out there whose main goal is to find well-off husbands, give birth as soon as possible, and then use the child as an excuse not to work for many years or ever again. We all choose our path, but I don't think this should be how we live.

Men deserve much more than being used as money bags.

But suppose we're talking about an open-minded and progressive way of thinking. In that case, even progressive men still believe that they, as men, must be the providers, the head of the family, and protect their family at all costs, including financially. They may not admit it, but it's often on the back of their minds. And to my deepest regret, this thinking can negatively affect men and shape their decision-making process.

Please don't get me wrong; there are some positives to leaning into the old-fashioned way of thinking. It's great that men feel the commitment and responsibility to care for their children and partners. It's important to have financial stability, which is why it's great when a man who strives to provide for his family and is motivated to advance in his career starts a business, develops it, and finds ways to make his family's future more financially secure. It's also nice when a woman can feed the entire family, care for everyone, and support the children and her husband. Both of those roles are crucial for a family.

But how about making those roles interchangeable?

I'm not suggesting that a woman should build a house brick by brick and operate heavy machinery, although some women do — very few, unfortunately, only 5%

What I'm saying is we need to stop seeing each person as someone who can do only a few particular tasks and start expecting each person to be capable of completing all the family responsibilities, regardless of gender.

Yes, I know that men cannot carry children and give birth. Women also cannot create semen and impregnate themselves; however, I'm saying that the goal should be to create a partnership where either individual feels cared for, protected, sufficient, and supported by their loved one, regardless of gender.

What Happens If The Man Gets Sick or Burnt Out?

I firmly believe that a woman must be capable of taking care of her partner and children, even if her partner/husband provides an excellent financial life for them. Similarly, a man must be able to care for himself, his wife, and his kids in a domestic setting, such as feeding, cleaning, completing homework, and everything else.

I am absolutely convinced that this is how the family unit is supposed to work in harmony if we are being honest and real with one another. Unfortunately, many are in marriages to exploit their partners and live a soft life at the expense of their man

We all know what happens when one person is severely dependent on another. We've seen these examples so many times: When a man gets hurt at work, overworked and depressed, or sick physically or otherwise, and a woman is incapable of taking care of him and their children, this turns into a pivotal moment for this family.

Will the woman throw fits and claim that it's the man's job to work and support them, or will she "man up", another toxic way to refer to responsibility and taking care of her family?

Will she abandon him and look for another provider? I have heard so many young ladies saying this on social media without batting an eyelid. Will she resent him, lose all respect and regard for him, and treat him like a piece of trash because he is not providing financially or able to do so?

You may think I'm joking about women throwing fits and pushing the damaging gender stereotypes. I wish I were. I've witnessed some in person myself. I've read posts from dozens if not hundreds, of women online who didn't just complain but called their husbands names and deemed them not man enough after those men got ill or ended up in some other unfortunate trouble.

Some may not start a scandal at home, but they will tell their mother, girlfriends, and the entire Internet that their men aren't "real men" because they dared to get hurt or burnt out at work, and now it's up to her to figure things out.

I want to say that many women are that way, and many are not. (I don’t want sister Modupe Ishola and Sister Funmi Odutola to pull my ears in the DM) I don’t want to be accused of generalizing.

I am surrounded by many more good women than bad ones.

Every little boy, every teenager, and every young man hears an endless number of toxic gender stereotypes and other gender-based, very harmful rhetoric. It stays with them unless they get surrounded by the right people who change their minds.

So, the answer is yes. Yes, a woman must take care of her husband if he has an accident or gets hurt at work and needs time to heal, or has to help out on the home front so that his wife can function maximally at her job.

It doesn't matter if they are emotionally and physically overworked or simply wake up one morning and decide to take a few months off. Or maybe even a year off to enjoy life? I would be delighted if my spouse did that, and I'd like them to want the same for me.

However, money doesn't grow on trees, so both individuals must have the proper skills and work experience to support a family — that includes the women.

Conclusion

I'm a firm believer that only selfish, self-centered, and horrible individuals think that they aren't obligated to support their significant other financially.

It doesn't matter if you have children. Of course, if we're talking about a newborn who needs their mom, the baby must be latched on to mommy for a while. But once the kids are at least toddlers, you're responsible for your partner no matter what. Your spouse may need you to take the wheel at any time, whether a few years into the partnership or two decades in.

In my case, the torture lasted for ten years. By then, all the love had died, and whatever tolerance remained was on its last legs. A person can only endure so much insult and inhumane treatment in a lifetime, especially as the children started growing up and witnessing the inhumane treatment I was suffering from their mother for being unable to provide.

She was the type that would call the children and say, “Your father did not put in a penny towards your school fees, mummy is the only one paying your fees and buying your clothes, do you think this is good? Don’t be like your daddy when you grow up. He is not a good example of how a man should be, and I don’t want you to grow up to be like him. Your wife should not be worked to death to feed a lazy man.”

The children will watch her leave for work and start asking you questions.

“Daddy, why are you not working? Why did mummy say you are lazy?” etc

God came to my help. He brought me out of the belly of the whale. Things turned around for me, and I began to provide for my family. Unfortunately, the resentment and pain of ten years had taken its toll. The same woman who accused me of living off her asked me who would be caring for the children now that I have a job that was taking me all over the world.

“You want me to sit at home and care for the children? I should leave my career and sit down so that you will be feeding me? Can you hear the rubbish you are spewing? You want me to be a slave who will sit at home and play wife? I was not built for that.

When you are ready, you will resign and take care of your children.”

That was how that marriage ended.

She said she would rather be a single mother than answer to a man who suddenly got a job and wanted to reassert himself as the head of the family.

True love is not transactional. The man and the woman who share true love fight daily to keep the light of their love shining through all seasons, and they work hand in hand to provide, support, care, stand by, and respect each other.

-GSW-