Desperado

Hello, @gbengawemimo, I will like you to please publish this as I have written it.

Please don’t “Christianize” it.

I believe you may never understand why I have made this request.

 You obviously have a settled, happy life and I suspect you are from a privileged background.

Those who are in my shoes will understand it better.

(I mean no offence) Just saying stuff as I see it (I might be wrong). Thank you

 

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Why did I feel so frustrated an unhappy?

This was a question I have been asking myself for many years.

I wanted to get married

I desired to

The society and nature placed me at a great disadvantage.

Why couldn’t I see a guy I like and ask him out

without feeling as if I am cheapening myself in any way?

Christians would say, he who finds a wife, finds a good thing

Why can’t a woman find a husband?

Well I tried and I hated myself for doing so because of the way men were brought up

to think women who chase them were desperate!

What happened to “if the mountain does not come to Mohammed,

Mohammed would go to the mountain”

Is this applicable only to men and other objects but not applicable to women?

My mother gave birth to eight children! Eight!!!

Would you believe that none of us were married?

Even the three male children amongst us!

I was the fifth child and I was determined to be the one to break this trend.

I graduated at 25, got a good job and started planning towards my wedding by faith.

I bought kitchen materials, even a wedding gown

I opened a savings deposit account dedicated to my wedding and marriage

I was a virgin and I put myself out there!

I dressed well, I cooked well, I had a great career and I was a beautiful woman

No man, I repeat, No man ever darkened the door of my heart!

I watched as friends, colleagues, acquaintances and even younger ones got a man and settled down

I attended their weddings, bought them gifts!

I attended singles fellowship even stalked a few brothers tacitly and yet…

By the time I clocked 29, it had become less optimistic

I started weighing my options, my three elder sisters had accepted fate and had become single parents

All of them were dating married men and starting a “second family by the side”!

They were all like me, financially stable, employed and beautiful but they couldn’t get suitors!

It was wrong to date married men and ruin other people’s happy marriages

It was also wrong that someone would remain single without having a husband despite the fact that this is their one heart desire

They deserved to be happy

Was it at the expense of other people? Yes but other people must also learn to share!

I was happy for them, though I was determined to get married

I fasted and prayed

I practically became a church rat

Yet I made sure I didn’t become all religiously suited up to the point of absurdities!

Why couldn’t I get a husband?

Why were men that dumb?

At 31, for the first time in my entire life, a man showed some interest in me. Guess what? He was married!

I turned him down

My younger sister came to see me (We were the only ones still clinging to hope for a proper marriage), she was in tears!

She said she actually went to her crush’s house. He was single and they were both lawyers.

He often teases her about taking her out or coming to visit her (humorously) and since he seemed to tease her often about it,

she decided to help him make the leap.

She said when she got to his house, he welcomed her and entertained her enthusiastically which was very encouraging

They got talking and he rambled on and on about the law, court cases, their bosses etc while she was itching for him to make the discussion personal

She said she held herself from pushing and later that evening, after having spent 5 hours in his house, she left

He didn’t even jokingly test out the waters

When she got home, she started feeling inadequate! Something must be wrong with her!

One of her friends had told her that the guy’s hands like to roam when he is alone with a woman,

and advised her not to visit him because he might get ideas and even rape her!

The guy behaved like the pope!

The next day, she went to his office to thank him for hosting her so graciously.

(It was a ploy to ask him to come over to her house) He was very accommodating and accepted to come to her flat the following Sunday

She said she dressed as seductively as she could without being stark naked that Sunday.

He came around, they played scrabble, talked, watched romantic movies and ate her carefully prepared delicious meal

His eyes had no option

Where else would they go?

Throughout the day, she knew she had him in the sensitive places

As the sun started setting, she grew confident enough to lay her head on his thigh while they were talking

He didn’t make any move

She got frustrated and asked him “Am I ugly?”

The question caught him unawares but he didn’t say a word

After a few minutes, she realized she would literally have to rape him to get anything out of him even though she could feel his hardness throbbing against her head

She gave up

After he left, she wept bitterly!

When she got to the office the next day, he was waiting for her

He hugged her tight for a few minutes and left

He didn’t say a word but he never picked her calls again and whenever they met, he treated her as a professional colleague

It was as if he could feel her pain and all he felt for her was “sorry”

While my sister was telling me this story, I started crying

She had gotten far closer than I ever did in my entire life!

She was alone with a guy for hours, on two occasions, she made a guy hard!

I told her all these and we both laughed in sorrow at how pathetic we were!

I was 31 and she was 28 and we were both lamenting our cursed state of virginity!

We went to see the pastor of my church!

He had tried so hard for me, praying and trying desperately to match make me with some of the brothers

I remember there was one occasion he said to the brothers during a service, “Brothers in Christ, there are beautiful ladies right here in this congregation, holy and unsullied, don’t go and bring ladies from other churches and your villages when you have such gems of inestimable values right here! Sister so and so please stand up, any man who marries you is blessed on every side and I will sponsor the wedding. I also promise you guys a car gift!”

The church roared

That was it!

He had done it with other sisters and they had all gotten married within a year

It didn’t work in my case!

When we got to his office, he listened to our stories in bewilderment!

He couldn’t even imagine how desperate we were!

He berated us

Told us marriage was overrated and we should not lose our faith over such a trivial thing

It was easy for him to say, he had a wife and three children!

Though I knew what he said was right, it didn’t fit into my reality

I was disappointed he didn’t proffer a spiritual solution, he was not supposed to go all common sense and Christian on us.

He was supposed to see ahead, see farther, lay hands upon us or diagnose the problem.

I had been in his church for eight years, it was obvious he was not anointed enough to lead me into my heart desire

I plotted my exit and I stopped going to his church few months later

I have had it with God and religion!

If I would die single, let it be without all the whispers and hypocrisy from church members who kept looking at me like a sorry case!

It took me four years, but I eventually lost my virginity to a guy 6 years younger than I

I met him at a party and invited him over to my house

I was 36, I had two cars and I was living in my own duplex

He was desperately in need of a job and he had an impression I could help him secure employment

I asked him to come and see me at home

He came

We discussed his academic qualifications and working experiences

I suggested I would be willing to invest in any business he might come up with (I am reluctant to say this because it might make me feel like an evil person) I was saying all this to prepare him mentally so that he would weigh the options before rejecting my moves.

Once I was sure he got the message, I took his hand in mine in a suggestive way

We kissed for a while

I led him to my room and we got to work

When he asked me for a condom, I told him I was a virgin

Suddenly I felt his body stiffen!

I looked into his eyes!

How come virginity was such a turn off for some guys? Did they really think they had to marry someone they deflowered? In 2015?

I quickly dropped to my knees and undid his fly

I had watched some videos while planning my move

He relaxed as I took his hot dog in my mouth

I was prepared for everything, I even had Vaseline by my bedside in case things get too stressful

It worked!

I lost my cherry

Much later as I lay in his arms I considered my feelings

Well I was happy but I would be happier if he didn’t run away afterwards. I desperately needed him to need me enough to stay with me

I had also made a "Keep him" plan

I drove him home afterwards, I gave him a bag of freshly cooked (soups, stew, all varieties) and another bag of raw food items (all varieties) and some money

He was in a six years relationship and the lady was good and faithful to him

He told me so

The lady was also two years younger than him

I got that

I promised him I was not going to disrupt his life in any way!

He stayed in touch and came back two weeks later

I made sure I didn’t call him or put any pressure on him.

Whenever I felt like calling him, I would remind myself the economy is much more effective than I can ever be at bringing him back

He kept coming back

Eventually he started coming around every other week, we would talk about his life and his issues especially his relationship.

His babe was unhappy that he seemed to be losing interest and preoccupied lately

She didn’t know about me and I continue to counsel him that things would get better

We were like this for a year until I got pregnant

He asked me what I planned to do with the pregnancy

At 36?

I told him I am keeping it

He shrugged

Weeks later he got a job through my contact (I didn’t attach any conditions to it but I know he was decent and would figure it out)

A good job

He broke off with his girlfriend

He convinced his parents

In April 2017, we got married!

We started attending church again after the birth of my daughter and I was made a deaconess in August 2018

I worship my husband like a demigod!

I am older than him, earn more money, have more savings and more influence but I can never take him for granted!

My younger sister is still waiting for divine intervention

I have friends and colleagues who are saying IVF might be their last resort to have children, they had given up on marriage entirely!

I tried everything to break the yoke and failed until I took matters into my own hands and plotted like Jezebel!

I believe if I hadn’t I would still remain single, angry with God, frustrated and unhappy.

 

PS: I didn’t “Christianize” (Whatever that meant) this piece. Thank you