Things To Discuss Before You Say I Do

1: Your dream home.

A relationship is a team, and a team is a set of people who work together towards a common goal.

One of those major goals is the lifestyle you’re both committed to creating. Do you want to live in a city? In the country? In the suburbs?

Do you want a house, or a condo? Rent, or buy?

Do you need a yard for kids, or a small place because you’ll prioritize travel?

The questions are varied, but the answer is the illustration of the place where you want your life together to happen.

If you can create a cohesive vision for the where and the why, then you will work together towards the how.

2: Children, and the values they’ll be raised with.

At this stage in the game it’s likely you know where each partner stands when it comes to kids. Do they want any? If so, how many? Do they (or you) already have children? Do you want more?

Deeper than that, though, are the values and behaviors that we strive to instill in future generations.

Our own upbringings influence how we approach parenting; did you grow up in similar households with similar norms? Or are you approaching family dynamics from opposite ends of the spectrum?

Will they be raised in your religion (if you have one)? Where will they go to school? What will they be taught about?

Having this topic out in the open will help avoid arguments over expectations down the road.

3: Finances.

Ugh. A tough one.

Nobody likes to talk about money. It can be awkward. Uncomfortable. Even, embarrassing.

It’s also a huge and necessary part of life, and understanding each other’s position and trajectory is important when it comes to decision making.

Will bills be split 50/50, or will you pay 70% if you make 70% of the household income?

Will one of you stay home while the other works or runs a business full time? How much will you allocate for savings, travel, or fun expenses?

If one of you wants to make a big purchase, what’s the process there? Do you still ask permission if you’re the one bringing home the bacon?

Discussing finances can be uncomfortable…but guessing about your partner’s financial status without knowing how they really feel or where they stand can lead to assumptions that may cause conflicts down the road.

Financial stress is one of the leading (reported) causes of divorce. It can be immensely difficult to navigate and overcome, but if we stay focused on the true value of our relationship, I believe we can work together to overcome any of these challenges.

4: Religion (or lack thereof).

This is obviously a big one, as it dictates many decisions made in other areas of life. Religion can influence our social surroundings, our value systems, our living arrangements, our family dynamics, and how we are going to raise our kids.

Religion typically falls under the “don’t talk about that” umbrella, but all that does is leave you in the dark about someone’s beliefs (or lack thereof).

Plus, your religion will also dictate where you get married in the first place. Is it more important to one of you than the other? How about your families? Will you be in a church? On a beach?

Understanding how each other fundamentally views the world and/or a higher power (again, or lack thereof) is something we need to do before making a lifelong commitment.

5: Politics.

This is the next logical topic after religion.

It’s 2026, and given the world we live in, political affiliation is more divisive than ever before. It’s also, usually, more out in the open than it used to be.

But, it’s another topic that we tend to avoid since it can cause so much conflict.

“I don’t talk about politics.”

Well, your political views reflect your values, and tells the story of what causes are important to you, as well as how you believe other people should be treated, what rights they should have, and what direction your community should move in.

If you lean in opposite directions politically, you’ll more likely be going in opposite directions in life, too.

6: Sexpectations.

If you’re discussing marriage, then you already know (most likely) that you’re sexually compatible with your partner. Creating a life together, though, can get busy and tiring…which is why there are so many “jokes” about how rarely married people have sex.

Are they really jokes, though?

Keeping an open line of communication about your wants, needs, desires, and expectations will ensure that both partners remain connected and fulfilled intimately.

It’s not just about the physical act; it’s about taking the time to focus on and connect deeply with each other. If you have wildly different expectations in that area, resentment and frustration can build quickly.

7: Family health history.

AWK.WARD.

As uncomfortable as this might end up, I believe it’s important to discuss.

Knowing each other’s family health history will help prepare you for what’s to come (or not) as the years pass in life.

Obviously, everyone is different and nothing is fully predictable no matter how clear you are on your genetics, but there are certain circumstances and genetic dispositions that can keep you well informed about what to expect down the road.

Honesty about your family health history is equally as important, as misleading someone about a serious issue in this area is a heavy betrayal of trust.

Note: Your family health history doesn’t just affect your genetic dispositions, but if you choose to have children together, it’s also immensely important to know what genetics are being passed to them, as well.

8: Household expectations.

Who’s going to do what, and when?

Who’s naturally better at which chores or duties? Who enjoys which ones? Is one of you working more and therefore has less time to pitch in?

Don’t be that couple who holds on to resentment about each other’s lack of effort when setting expectations from the beginning could’ve set you on a better path.

You can’t get mad at someone for not doing something that they didn’t know they were supposed to be doing.

9: Credit and debt.

Unless you’re independently wealthy, your level of credit and debt is going to dictate the type of cars you can buy, the type of home you can afford, and what your bills look like at the end of every month.

If there is a serious imbalance in credit or debt between you, the partner in better shape will need to sign for most things or take on the responsibility of ownership (even if just on paper) if the other is unable to be approved for any loans or financing.

Is this something you’re comfortable with?

Additionally, if someone is coming to the table with a mountain of debt that their partner doesn’t know about, you are creating a minefield that they don’t even know they’re walking on.

10: Family dynamics.

My grandmother always used to say that when you marry someone, you’re not just marrying them…you’re marrying their whole family.

I come from a huge Italian family, which means big, loud holidays, lots of hugs and kisses, and an “it takes a village” approach to raising kids.

Some people love that…others find it oppressive.

Family dynamics are about finding the balance between existing traditions and creating new ones of your own. You are embarking on a new adventure to create a new life alongside a new partner — but you are also looking to stay true to your roots and connected to your loved ones.

How do you walk this line?

Through discussing and setting expectations and how you’re going to handle family events and responsibilities.

A relationship is only between the two people involved, but the truth is that merging two families together can be a challenge if there are different worldviews or cultural norms.

As long as everyone is supportive, loving, and open-minded, this should bring far more positives than negatives.

11: Lifestyle and self-improvement.

A focus on personal growth needs to be shared by two people, or one will grow while the other remains stagnant.

We must ask ourselves if our partner matches our level of ambition for self-improvement, no matter how high or low that may be.

If there is a major divide when it comes to things like physical health, eating habits, exercise, daily activity, self-awareness (and general overall lifestyle) that divide will only grow larger over time until it pulls you apart.

12: Social calendar and activities.

Setting expectations around how high or low social activities will be prioritized is important.

Do you have large groups of friends you enjoy inviting over often? Do you like concerts, events, or large parties?

Or, would you rather spend your weekends curled up on the couch watching your favorite shows?

What if you both have wildly different preferences when it comes to how your social life is structured?

I, personally, believe that a healthy balance between the two is key. But…if you and your partner lean too far in different directions, one will always felt left out and misunderstood.

13: Past relationship experiences and traumas.

You’ve probably noticed that quite a few of these can be awkward to discuss…and that’s the entire point.

Sometimes the things that we avoid talking about will sneak up on us in the long run.

Understanding where someone is coming from and what they’ve been through is a key component in understanding how and why they act the way they do.

It also helps you take things less personally if you know what lens they’re seeing your actions through.

Sharing these secrets with each other is an important sign of trust and mutual respect.

14: Career goals and trajectory.

Is one of you striving for that dream career that could mean moving across the country?

If that happens, is the other one willing and able to make the move?

If it doesn’t, will they harbor resentment towards you?

Does one of you want to start a new business, requiring an upfront cost and possibly a period of operating in the red? How is that managed? Can you work together to make progress?

Or, conversely, are you perfectly happy living a modest and simple life in a quiet neighborhood with no “pull” towards large or ambitious goals?

If so…how does your partner feel about this?

Understanding each other’s short- and long-term goals will help paint a picture of the steps that are to come next in the future, even if they’re unpredictable.

15: What “’til death do us part” REALLY means.

Marriage is rooted in many things. Trust, loyalty, respect, admiration…all of which are the bricks needed to build a foundation of love and commitment.

Communicating your dedication and commitment to your partner is an important key in helping them feel comfortable and confident in the decision you’re making to build a life together.

There should be no questions, doubts, or hesitations by the time you are ready to “make it official.”

And, you shouldn’t be questioning or doubting your partner’s feelings either.

Marriage is a full time, lifelong commitment, and while the dynamics of your life will change vastly over the years, the strongest couples keep the relationship at the core of it all.

That’s what gives them the mutual strength to push through. That’s what makes for an unbreakable team.