Captive of Delusions

I broke the story down into seven, just so I don't wander off, while speaking, because most times, we get to- I tend to be overwhelmed and I could wander off, get off point, and then forget my train of thought while talking about it.

So I'm going to start with me. Uh. I've been through a lot in life. My life has been hard, what people would call hard. And I'm not one who complains. I'm just that person who tries to find a way around everything. You know? I improvise a lot. I could see something turning upside down and still look for that silver lining, that tiny bit of hope, and hold onto it. That's me.

Maybe it's a flaw because I'm beginning to see it as a flaw. Or maybe it's a strength. I don't know. But it's just me. I always look for something positive in everything, and maybe that's why the difficulties and hard occurrences keep happening to me because I just find something good in everything.

I'm a Christian.

I was born in church, but I'm not the type whose belief was formed by what my parents said or what I was told.

I know God for myself, and my life is a mix of both spiritual experiences, emotional experiences, and physical experiences. Let me just say, spiritual and physical experiences. And significantly, when I was 13, the Lord took me to Job chapter 5.

And then I wasn't an ardent Bible reader, but I started searching for where Job was in the Bible.

I've never opened the book of Job before, before then. And then I found it, and I read it. Job chapter 5. And when I finished reading it, he said, "That is the story of your life. This is the story of your life." I wrote it down and then pushed it under the carpet as one of those things, but my life started after that.

I write songs. I've written over 50 songs. Good songs, according to people. And yes, I have musical ears too. Yeah, the songs are okay. But according to others, very good. But I have had no opportunity to release those songs to the public.

Not for money. I'm not even looking to do it for money. But the money to release it, the finances- it takes finances to do these things. The finances to do it are not available.

I've never been one who charges to sing. I've never charged anybody financially to minister anywhere.

I don't even look for honorarium. I do my thing and just, you know, I work.

So I'm not really interested in what I get outside of what I can labor for, for myself and with my own hands.

I love music. I love God. I love to work for God. That's where I find fulfillment the most. And, I never wanted to get married.

I am that lady who was comfortable in my own skin. I always told God I didn't want to get married.

Just bless me financially, and I'm fine. But most times, what we do not want is actually what God wants for us. I've come to realize that.

*(This belief is not true, but it is widely held by a lot of people who embraced a self-righteous, minimalist understanding of God from a narrow experiential perspective but not wholesomely as intended by the Lord Jesus -GSW-)

I never wanted to get married.

Sincerely. I always just imagined having money, having a child, legally. Just one child, legally. And then, you know, helping people, doing things. I like to give.

I love to give. That philanthropic attribute is in me. And it was my lifelong dream- singing to give, to help people, and live my best life without the stress and burden of a husband.

But as God would have it, one day he told me plainly.

He said he wouldn't release the finances to me unless I get married.

**(This is again not how God speaks, nor is it in conformity with the nature and character of God in any way. God does not hitch an individual’s destiny to marriage. Destiny is Divine while marriage is optional and mundane. What is Flesh is flesh. What is Spirit is Spirit. Destiny is Spiritual and Marriage is Flesh. The two are of two different realms, and the only way men and women have managed to combine both is through the instrument of wisdom and law. -GSW-)

And I'm like, "Why? I'm not a proud person," you know. But that was what he said. And I couldn't fathom why. Still don't understand why till now. But he says I must get married.

And sometime in December 2021- in the month of December 2021- while I was, you know, outside- sorry, November 2021. My then pastor, who is also a prophet, you know, just looked at me and said- I was there, we were four in number: the pastor, himself, my now husband, who was then just my friend in church, and a fellow choir member.

And he said that God has been pushing him to, you know, tell us this, but he has been, you know, fighting it. He didn't want to tell us. But that I should go and pray, that God is saying that we are both meant to be together.

(Classic law of association and matchmaking responsibility of A SHEPHERD. Nothing wrong with it apart from colouring it as a spiritual instruction rather than telling the young man and young woman, who you see are close to each other, that they should consider taking the relationship beyond friendship into courtship and possibly marriage. -GSW-)

For the first time in my life, I was angry at him.

Firstly, and I think the next week or two weeks later, when I gad the opportunity to speak with him alone, I spoke to him roughly. I told him never to tell me that again. Never to give me a prophecy concerning marriage or anything. I didn't want to hear it. I wasn't interested. He could keep it to himself.

He listened to me and said he understood. That was his words. He said, "I understand." And I walked away.

I was so angry. And after I think a month or so, God came to me in a dream. That's not the first time I've seen him in a dream. When I see him, I usually recognize him, and I call him in a particular way. And he came to me. I didn't even allow him to say anything. I just burst out in tears and accusations. I was like, "I've been faithful! And when I tell you I will do something, I do it. Why would you burden me with this kind of person?"

Just for a little context: My husband was more like just everybody’s friend.

We work together because we move in the same direction when going home, so we walk together. He crosses, I cross to take my own bus, and he takes on this side. That's more like it. We just walked down to the bus stop. It's a bit distant from the church.

And I like fair people. He's dark. I have my own description of beauty. In my eyes, he's not handsome. And I like handsome people in my own description, and he wasn't handsome. He was quiet, and he is the reticent type. That's outside. When we got married, I got to find out that yeah, he's quiet still, but I hate it. But we'll get to that.

And he's a quiet type, and I don't like- I didn't like it.

I wanted a man who had presence, who was outspoken. I'm an outspoken person. Yes, I am. The social butterfly kind of, I'm not an introvert, I'm not an extrovert, I'm a retrovert. Yes, I could be very quiet and then out there and just- I'm in between.

My husband is an introvert, and I didn't just like him as a husband. He was okay as a church friend.

We greet, we talk, and we leave, and after church, we don't have any communication.

Why would God say you? In fact, there was another brother I liked. I told him I liked him. That's me. If I- I'm somebody who is straightforward. If this is this, I will tell you. If I kill somebody, I will tell you I killed somebody. There's- the highest you do is punish me, and I'm not afraid of punishments. I actually know, and I'm aware that for every action there's a consequence, so I'm always prepared.

My only problem is that you cannot punish me unjustly. I will not agree. But when I know I'm wrong, and I'm convinced I'm wrong, whatever punishment you dish out, I'm fine with it. So, I didn't see what I had done wrong to God to give me this guy for a husband.

He wasn't working.

He was working in the church, and the church was paying him a measly- measly 15,000 naira, which couldn't even cover his transport, as at that time, from his house, where he was squatting with his sister, to the church. He was squatting at Oshodi. He couldn't even foot the transport bills for the week.

We used to come at least three times a week to church, at least. But it was four times because we had Tuesday, we had Thursday, we had Saturday, and we had Sunday. And sometimes we had Friday. So, we are counting five days in almost a week.

The only days I know that we are usually free was on Mondays, except in the month of- a certain month when the church had a program, their yearly program, then we know that from Monday to we were occupied. But mostly we come like five days a week, and you're paying 15,000 naira, and that couldn't solve even the transport fare at that time.

He was squatting with his sister and her husband, and they had four children.

They live in a room, and a parlor popularly called a self-contained. In fact, I didn't even know all these details- I didn't know where he was staying. I didn't know what their house was. I just knew he was squatting with them, but I didn't know what their house was. I never asked. Never- It wasn't my business. I'm not one who asks questions that aren't in my place, so I respect people's privacy, and that was just that.

But I didn't want him for a husband. I never envisioned him as a husband. I never thought of it.

I, on the other hand, was living alone by myself. As at the time when they said this, I was living in FESTAC, at FESTAC, and um, I was doing my remote job. Customer support, before and after sales customer support, and another job with a private company

I was doing it, and I was earning, and I was attending all these activities, but most times, because it's remote, you will not even know I'm working. It's mostly on the phone, not even on a laptop system. But I had my laptop and it all. I was okay. I was feeding myself. I never had to beg anybody for anything. And I was contributing to the church. I was doing all my duties. I was paying my rent. I never had issues with my rent. I never had issues with any utility bills. In fact, I was just comfortable with myself. I didn't have it big, but I was okay financially.

And then I wanted somebody, even if I wanted to get married, because this was how God had convinced me to get married, or at this time God had convinced me to get married. And so I was looking at- okay fine, you have to give me somebody who is financially okay and stable, so that at least- But you're giving me somebody who is on point zero level.

Well, after the confrontation with God in the dream, I walked away crying. I woke up, and then I went back to the pastor, my then pastor, and I explained to him the dream. And he said, "If you can even talk to God, then what about me?" So, I'm not- And I apologized to him. He now spoke to me, that that was wrong of me, I should have listened to what God had to say. God cannot be wrong and just and all that stuff.

So, I apologized to him. I went to the altar, I prayed and talked to God, and all. And then he came back again and told me the reason was this, let me just say it. And to me it wasn't really that much. My temperament. I'm not a patient person. I'm not patient. You know, I can be, you know, very quick to- like I said, I'm a- I'm a retrovert, but I'm also out there. I'm outspoken. And I tell you as it is. I don't get scared of anything. I tell you the truth. I hardly, if at all- I don't think- I don't think I have any reason to lie. If I do something, it's- you'll be thinking it's so terrible, I will tell you I did it, and that is me for you. I did it. You can't kill me. You can only punish me. Even if you kill me, I did it. That's me for you.

So this is why I said I put an agenda, because I lose my train of thought easily these days after the issues. But then, well, God told me that this is the reason why he wanted me to get married to this person because he's gentler, you know, calmer, and all. And I accepted. I told him I would go with what he said.

After I woke up again from that, um, dream or vision. And then I went to my husband and said that I've thought, and then God has spoken, and I'll go ahead with it. But even after I told him this- well, it was after I told him this, he now opened up to me. I will tell you in the next voice note.

PS: A lot of believers believe their subconscious self to be God. When you hear a believer describe their relationship and encounters with God through a dream in such a lucid and self-affirming manner, you realize that he or she is just having deep introspection, analysis, and observations of reality. What has been described here as conversations with God are natural human experiences across cultures and traditions.

You will hear words like “sleep over it” when it comes to decision-making and untangling confusing life issues.

God has not entered into this conversation in any way.

God does not do logic, and the reason the writer said God gave her for choosing to marry the man who is gentle by nature is the most logical reason (opposites attract), extroverts are given when considering an introvert as a marital prospect.

It is God; there would be no room for argument

You just know, even without being able to articulate the reason.

God, however, does not choose spouses for people.

All good and perfect gifts are from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows (James 1:17)

No marriage in this world is a good and perfect gift.

The example of a good and perfect gift is Salvation, the Holy Spirit, the Lord Jesus.

They are good and perfect because we were not required to do anything but just to receive the gifts and walk in the reality of the life they offer.

Marriage is the opposite of this.

It requires work, so it is not a gift, and it is not divine.

The bracketed comments were added for context because I don’t want readers taking the writer’s experience as a validation of their own pseudo-subconscious experiences as God speaking to them

-GSW-