Fight For Their Future

A mother called me to tell me her daughter was driving her crazy
The girl was fifteen years old and was living with her mother, stepfather, and step-siblings in the UK.

There is this usual psychological distance experienced by children who were born from a previous union and are now brought into a new union between their parents and a new parent picture as they were being raised
However, if the new parent does not accept them or treat them as his own, they see themselves as interlopers who are being tolerated and are really unwanted in the family
If their stepparent tries to discipline them or correct them, they feel he or she really has no right to do so because he or she is not their parent.
The stepparent, in most cases, would just give them some distance because he or she knows his or her labour over the stepchild would most likely go unrewarded and unappreciated

This child, who finds himself or herself as a third wheel in the family, feels unsettled in many cases, and this influences the kind of friendships and decisions they take when they get to a certain age
They begin to find a space where they could belong outside of the home provided for them by their parent
Suddenly, this young lady began to associate with white students in her class, and she learnt their ways
From sleepovers to hanging out, her mother noticed that her attitude had changed as she took on a very rebellious posture
The mother responded by grounding her
"No sleepovers, no hanging out with white friends, no phones, no internet, just study!"

She got to school and reported to the school authority that she was being abused at home
Her mother was away at the office when the social services representative visited the house to ask questions about how the young lady was being raised

They met her stepfather, who was a medical doctor and had always steered clear of interfering in all the issues relating to the young lady.
She was his daughter only by marriage, not by blood, and he had lived in the United Kingdom for many years and seen many men whose lives were ruined by their stepdaughters simply because they got too close or meddled too much in their affairs
He had promised himself he would not be a victim and had kept away from the drama between the young lady and her mother deliberately.

The social service staff was wrapping up her interview with the stepdad when the mother arrived
From the reply the man had given, the mother felt the social service staff would have concluded that he didn't care a bit about the young lady, and this might mean trouble
She persuaded the staff to stay a bit longer to provide some context and clarity to the investigation

When the interview was finally over, the social service staff advised the couple to draw the young lady closer and give her whatever she wanted
She was a UK citizen, and they are not.
She could be taken away from them if she does not stop complaining.

When the young lady returned home that day, her mother changed the rules completely
No more hanging out with white girls, no more walking home from school with her white friends.
Her mother was convinced that it was the white girls who were teaching her daughter everything she was doing.
How else could a well-behaved young lady suddenly become such a terror overnight?

In response, her daughter embarked on a hunger strike.
She suddenly lost so much weight within two weeks that the school authority had to call the attention of the social services again.
This time, they recommended that she speak with a psychiatrist, a child psychologist, a doctor, a nutritionist, and so on
The mother began to spend most of her time taking her from one hospital to another and filing reports with the social services and the school to document her efforts and establish that she loves her child and does not want the government to take the child from her

The child, on the other hand, refused to eat. Her mother knew why, and so did she.
Her mother was determined that she must be separated from her white friends if she wouldn't go bad in life, and the daughter was determined to have her freedom of association at all costs
They were both matching in stubbornness
The doctor's report was not encouraging; the weight of the young lady continued to drop drastically
Eventually, the mother informed the school authority and social services that her mother needed some attention in Africa, and she would have to travel to Africa with her daughter so that she could continue to care for her while also taking care of her mother.
She got the approval and travelled to Africa with her daughter.

When they got to her parents' house, she told her daughter she would not be returning to the UK with her but would be enrolled in a very good school in Africa at least until she completed her secondary school education.
This had been the mother's plan all along; she felt a change of environment would help her daughter reconsider her decisions and lead to a change of perspective.

A week later, the mother returned to the UK and all hell broke loose. Her daughter's white friends had gone to the school authority to report her sudden disappearance, and the school had gotten the child services department involved
They visited the family and started asking questions.
Where is the child? Who is she with? Which doctors are attending to her?
The mother provided all the details
The UK embassy sent people to verify all the provided facts by visiting the new school the young lady was enrolled in, her child psychologist, her doctor, her nutritionist, and her grandmother in Africa.

A report was made, and letters were written to the appropriate licensing agencies for both her stepfather and mother, requesting that their licenses be terminated and their jobs taken unless they produce the child whom they had maltreated by abandoning her in Africa.

At this point, the mother reached out to me.
She said she had prayed and fasted and was losing her faith
Her husband had been put under pressure by her office due to the letter from the child services department, and he was not taking it lightly, especially because he had always steered clear of the young lady
She was also under pressure and could lose her job
The childcare department had sent letters to the embassy, and could forcefully remove her daughter from Africa if they deemed that to be the best course of action
She just wanted them to drop the case.

I listened to her and felt the pains of a mother. I also understand what it takes to raise a child who is fighting her demons and willing to go toe to toe with you in resolving internal conflicts, which you know nothing about.

I counselled her not to let the issue with her daughter ruin her marriage. Her husband had also been put in an awkward position on the issue and should not be blamed for not participating enough in the discipline of raising her daughter.

Raising someone else's child is often a thankless job, especially in the course of a marriage. On graduation and wedding days, the biological parents get to steal the show, whereas he or she contributed the least in raising the child.
Most step-parents do not want to end up heartbroken and would therefore not get involved in such an emotional venture as raising a child they inherited through marriage.

We prayed.
I liked her case and her pragmatic approach to solving the problem, rather than allowing some psychiatrist to recommend treatments that could ruin the child's life in the name of trying to help.
I have seen many of such cases in the past.

In Africa, her daughter adjusted
She made new friends and ended her hunger strike
She gained weight and began to act normally
She knew she had made the right decision
She just wanted the UK authorities to allow her to raise her child the best way she could.

God answered our prayers.
We prayed on September 11, and by October 2nd, the Child Services department wrote to her stating that they had closed the case.
Her husband also wrote to the licensing agencies and was replied with a letter acknowledging his decision to put himself forward on the matter and assuring him that the case had been investigated and he had no case to answer on the matter
The case was completely over
Glory be to God.

PS: I heard devastating news yesterday. A young man whose mother reached out to me several months ago was declared dead.
When the mother reached out to me for prayers, it was for a case in a foreign country against the teenager
As we prayed, I asked the mother if it was possible for her to change the young man's environment because it seemed he was going in the direction of Balaam, son of Be'or.
The mother said she will think about it.
The young man was released from the foreign country's jail where he had languished for over a year, brought back to the old environment, and sadly, was reported dead yesterday.
I know as parents we can't always predict which direction the wind will shift regarding our children; however, if you see that the environment your child grew up in his shaping him or her in a negative way, it is always advisable to change that environment for their own good