Leverage

Brother Gbenga,

I am sorry, but I had to break up with Sister XXXX.

From the moment we agreed to court each other, it has been one crisis after another.

She sees husband snatchers everywhere, both in her dreams and in the church we both attend

She made too many funny rules, which I find funny, given that I am practically a hermit.

She said I cannot go anywhere without her going with me.

I am a software engineer, I work with an international company, and my job takes me all over the world.

She is an interior decorator who has never travelled out of Nigeria before

When I travel, it is for work, and it rarely takes me more than two weeks before returning to Nigeria.

I embark on such projects at most six times a year.

She said I must get her a visa for every trip so that she can travel with me, because expatriates.

usually sleep with strange women when they travel for work abroad

I asked her what would happen to her job and who would pay for the visa and ticket fees.

She said if I loved her, I would not be asking her such a question.

We were still dragging that when I got an assignment in Singapore.

The day before the trip, she came to see me and somehow mistakenly “took my work phone when she was leaving.”

She returned it later that day with apologies.

She had cloned my phone just to monitor my messages.

She was hoping to find some dirty stuff she could use to blackmail me or embarrass me on social media.

She got nothing.

My life is boring by choice.

I spend my days working, praying, and reading.

When I met her, I told her this, but she believed that I must be having fun somewhere or with someone in secret.

Most of the interactions on my phone are either messages from work, church, or family.

I don't keep friends.

I was abroad one day when I noticed that my phone was behaving strangely.

I was on a Zoom Call (Sunday service) when I noticed the issue.

I reached out for help and discovered what she had done.

How can anyone be that insecure?

I toyed with the idea of leaving the clone thing on because it was not harming me in anyway but I felt it was better to get rid of it and damn the consequences.

I knew she would become defensive once she realised that I had discovered what she did.

You cannot clone my phone, and I will be the one walking on eggshells so that my discovery of what you will not make you angry.

So I said the clone, whatever should be removed.

As soon as it was removed, this person blocked me everywhere so that she wouldn't have to answer me for what she did.

After this, she went about telling members of the church that I must have a second life somewhere because I was suspiciously too clean and possibly autistic.

Imagine the damage she would have done if I had real skeletons in my cupboard.

Defensive relationships are the worst.

Being in a relationship with a partner whose goal is to see you fail or to catch you cheating or doing any sort of wrong in order to justify themselves or prove to themselves that their insecurities were justified.

I eventually got a call from this person a few days after my trip.

It was a strange call.

"Hi"

"Hello"

"How are you?"

"I am fine, and you?"

"I am fine too. You didn't notice I blocked you?"

"Oh, you did?"

"Yes, when you won't stop toying with my mental health. I just felt I needed my peace and my space for some time."

"Okay"

"Okay? Is that all you will say? Someone you claim to love blocks you, and you didn't even deem it fit to show that you care."

"Oh, I just left your house now. I came to check up on you, but you were not around. I know you have been informed, and that is why you are making this call?"

"You should have told me you were coming. I went to spend the weekend with a friend so that I could clear my head."

"Okay"

"Just okay? I know you really don't care. You came to check on me because of your reputation. You don't want it to seem like you don't care, but you really don't."

"Okay"

"Okay? So... are you at least admitting that you didn't care or that you were the one who gave me insecurity by not paying attention to me and always working and travelling?

"Hey, I don't understand. Where is this coming from?

"I want to heal, and that process must start with you admitting that everything I did in this relationship was as a result of your lack of care for me."

"Aunty, you are recording this conversation, right? You want to have something recorded from me to play to those you want to talk to about the breakup?"

"Ha, what do you mean...."

Cuts the call.

The insecurity was still there.

She had done wrong, and instead of apologizing, she was trying to find leverage.

Something she can hold on to as a sword of Democles, so that I don't tell anybody she cloned my phone.

After this ploy failed, she went to speak with some people she felt were close to me and asked them to tell me not to tell anybody anything that she did in the course of the relationship, otherwise she would go all out and destroy me.

She had nothing to destroy me with

I was always where I was

She was the one running helter-skelter.

I remembered that when we started dating, she had a dossier on all her ex-lovers with their voice recordings and chat “Stinkers,” which she kept as evidence for why her relationship with them failed.

She never explained what she did that led to the stinkers and voice recordings.

So it was easy for me to see the pattern.

I am giving you this feedback because you encouraged me to get a wife and settle down.

I had hoped that it wouldn’t be trial and error, and the one I met would be the choice that would last a lifetime.

I am back to square one now on this issue.

I am trusting God that I will find a woman who is worthy of the love and care I have to offer

That sister does not have peace in her inner person.

She is consistently seeking crises like the sea.

I desire a marriage that comes with rest, understanding, and grace.

I desire to build the future with someone, not prove a point in the present.

Please pray with me and guide me to the person if you know of such.

God bless you, sir

Brother Harry.

PS: Many who are praying to be married are not prepared or ready to be married

If you are not prepared, you will end up missing out on good opportunities.

You will not say God did not bring you, good suitors.

The question will be “What did you do with the opportunities and open doors handed to you on a platter of Gold”

I had very high hopes for this relationship.

The lady had come to me to tell me her side of the story.

She pretty much said what this young man just said, but argued that it was because he was always travelling that she decided to clone his phone.

She said she meant no harm and would do better if given another chance with him.

That is most likely not going to happen.

In every relationship issue I had handled in which a partner cloned the phone of the other partner or made it a habit to go through their partner's phone or spy on their partner in any way. The act always leads to deep regrets and a parting of ways.

You don't need to catch your partner cheating; if you feel unsettled and unsure, just end the engagement or talk to yourself. Once it gets to the point of entrapment or recording each other's messages, the love is already dead.

-GSW-