The Discussion

The Discussion

She: Hello sir. 
This is the lady that just called you
My name is XYZ

He: Good morning pls
She: Good morning sir.
Sir, I have issues with marriage and 
I just don’t know whether to leave or stay
I’m not happy
It’s such a long story I don’t even know 
where to start from
I caught my husband with another lady 
while I was 7 months pregnant
He treated me so badly all through 
my pregnancy.
But he doesn’t beat me. 
He has never been violent
To be honest, while we were dating 
he wasn’t this way
But immediately we got married
Everything changed. 
He stopped caring about my feelings, 
I suspect he’s still cheating though 
I haven’t caught him again. 
When we quarrel he can ignore me 
for weeks. 
He doesn’t respect or have regard for me.
To be very honest he’s a good person, 
he hustles hard to provide for our basic 
But there’s no love, no happiness
I’m married but I always feel lonely

He: How many children do you have 

She: One girl. She’s almost 2
I can't lie to you, I have my faults. 
I insult him whenever he provokes me
I was pregnant but miscarried in December
I don’t feel accomplished being with him
I’m always home 24/7
It’s beginning to affect my mental health
He doesn’t even care whenever 
I complain to him that I hate being
 indoors all the time
Though he said when our daughter 
starts school I can look for a job
That’s by September
Whenever we have issues he doesn’t 
care about settling it
In fact he’s happiest then
This is someone that had told me 
before that whenever I am sad it 
makes him happy
That he doesn’t care how I feel
Some kind of utterances he makes 
to me sometimes makes me wonder 
if I should be married to him
At least if you love someone you 
would want the person to be happy... 
But to him whether I’m happy or not 
he doesn’t care
I’ve even suggested marriage counseling 
to him but he sees it as a waste of time
He will say what do they want to tell me
 that I don’t already know
He feels he knows everything and 
can’t be taught

He: Is your husband a Christian? Born Again?

She: He says he is. But he doesn’t go 
to church
Even when I try to tell him we should 
all go together

He: Do you go to church?

She: Sometimes sir
Because our church is kind of far
He says my salvation is not tied 
to his that I should go alone

He: Are you born again?

She: Yes sir, I am

He: Do you pray in the Spirit?

She: Yes sir. But my spiritual life 
right now is zero

He: How old is the marriage?

She: It will be two years by May

He: Your husband is a responsible man 
and a good provider, right?

She: Yes for that he is
Though if I ask him for money for 
personal stuff
It takes months before I can get it

He: Was it your husband's decision that you should not work?

She: Yes but now he’s indifferent

He: So why haven't you gotten a job?

She: My husband said I should wait 
till our daughter starts school by September

He: Which church do you attend pls

She: A pentecostal church sir

But originally I was Catholic

He: Do you pray every day?

She: Yes sir, I do. Mostly at night
Before I sleep

He: In tongues?

She: Yes sir sometimes if I’m led 
by the spirit

He: It should be daily

She: Okay sir

He: You have to adjust to the lack of 
the constant fellowship you ought to get
in church

She: True. I know. The thing is whenever 
I go to church I end up not concentrating 
because my daughter will just be everywhere 
making noise
And since she’s still little I can’t put 
her in Sunday school yet

He: Are you on Telegram? There is a
fellowship link that can be of help to you
Fellowship holds from 8:30-10pm daily
Ok sir
It will help you fellowship with others
We have over 1000 people on our prayer 
I am giving you outlets through which you 
can be engaged
Especially in fellowship and spiritual things

She: Thank you sir
I want to say quite clearly that I love this 
my husband despite everything he has 
done to me. And for the sake of our child 
I really don’t want to get a divorce

He: Your husband is not your enemy 
here sister
Remarrying is not as easy as you 
might think
You have a home
Build it
He is not born again
That is a capital issue
You cannot expect him to live a life that 
is not in his nature
And for Him to be born again, you
might not be able to preach to him
with words but if you walk with
the Holy Spirit and let His light shine
through, He will be drawn into the

She: When I ask him to pray with us every 
morning at night as a family
Even born again Christians have challenges
He will say he has already prayed
I know he is not born again and finds
God and spiritual things a big struggle

He: He is doing the best he can in his 
He cannot be the one to make you happy
That is not his job
The Holy Spirit is the source of our joy
Nobody is responsible for anybody's joy
It is such a big thing to ask of others
Depending on them to be the source
and the centre of our joy
It has never worked out well for those
who hold that mindset
If you cannot be joyful from within
You need to hold yourself responsible

She: True. I agree

He: If I talk to your husband he will say 
you are not making him happy too
It is not your job
But if you are constantly in fellowship with 
the Holy Spirit and your joy is full then you 
can help him
Two frustrated people will only produce 
frustration as a result
This happiness thing is not to be dumped 
on someone else
Delight yourself in the Lord

She: This is very reasonable sir

He: Secondly, sitting at home is bad

She: Yes, I agree sir

He: It can drive you crazy
You need to get something doing
It may not be a job for now
Maybe learn a skill or do a course
Or sit with someone at a shop or something
The world is moving quite fast
You cannot sit idly

She: Yea. I’ve been trying my hands on 
different businesses
I’ve sold hair
Tried making tiger nut milk to sell

He: You need human interaction
So work that into it
Find a church closeby to attend
Just so you can be where people 
are and meet people
Being alone is not good
Please do this soon

She: Yes sir

He: Finally, The lady you caught 
your husband with
Was he sleeping with her

She: He said they didn’t sleep together 
but of course that’s a lie from the 
pit of hell
My husband knows how to lie
I didn’t actually catch them in 
the act
But when I got there I saw her on 
the bed with her underwear
He was naked
No boxers
He said he was just free with her

He: When you got where?

She: To his place. 
Then we had not gotten married. 
We did the court wedding a month 
after that
He was staying with his friend

She: Why do u ask sir?

He: I needed to know what you saw and 
how it impacted your perception of him
But you did marry him after that
So you love him?

She: Ahhhh! it messed with my mind greatly
It still does.
Well to be honest. 
If I wasn’t pregnant I would have walked 
But I was heavy and I didn’t have money
My mom is in the USA
Nobody to support me
I said hmm let me marry him because 
the mistake has been made already
After that, I lost all respect for him
I became disgusted with him and abused 
him at every opportunity
I hated him
I was so angry for a long time
Till now I’m mad about it but it’s getting 
easier to bear
But I don’t love him as I did when things 
were good
Let me just say I’m forcing myself to 
sustain the love

He: Did hating and insulting him make 
things better?

She: No. Asides sex. 
He has nothing to offer me
Not emotionally, spiritually nothing

He: But you said he also offers shelter, 
food and provisions

She: Well he has to provide for his family

He: Not all men do that
She: I also have my own roof. Lol!...
True that’s why I said he’s a good person

He: If he didn't, you would have been 
worse off
So he is not the enemy

She: I guess
He only acted as natural as most 
humans would

She: How?

He: If you have the option today of 
leaving him for another guy who has more 
money and care and all. won't you leave?

She: Yes oh. No thinking twice

He: So that's the point

He: Your husband acted in his selfish
interest the same way you will act if
given the opportunity
You came into the marriage for all the 
wrong reasons
It was because you were pregnant
You saw the signs of unfaithfulness

She: Yes

He: You considered your survival and 
closed your eyes to it

She: Yea

He: Then you took it out on him and the 
relationship went sour

She: Yea

He: Forgiveness is necessary

She: I could swear that he loved me
before now
But not anymore

He: Your husband has turned on 
"safe defensive mode" for you
He will do what he should and walk away
He became indifferent
The feeling is dead
It is all about responsibility and duty now

She: Why couldn’t he just admit that he 
slept with her so I can forgive

He: Why should he admit before you 
You will leave him without any apology
This is where the problem lies. 

She: What do I forgive is there is no offense 
according to him?

He: Should you apologize for nursing the 
thought of leaving him?

She: No, because it’s still in my head

He: Jesus said once we think of a thing in 
our hearts, we have already done it

She: True
He: So you owe him an apology too
You have cheated

She: Ahh 

He: Its true

She: This one is loud oh

He: So forgive him
He doesn't have to own up
He gets to keep his pride and believe 
he has fooled you
We do this with God all the time
Just say it out Loud

She: I have tried to. It's still in the process

He: The marriage will be two years in May
and he did this before you got married to him
That makes the Unforgiveness and bitterness
almost thirty months long.
That is very bad for you physically and 
Resentment and bitterness are spiritual
landmines for everybody
They produce all sorts of evil works in us
and through us
The wise would flee from it
So say this out loud
So and So I forgive you from the bottom 
of my heart
I will love and cherish you and make 
this marriage good
As God will help me, I will always pray 
for you and love you

She: So and So, I forgive you from the 
bottom of my heart
I will love and cherish you from the bottom  
of my heart and make this marriage good
As God will help me I will always pray for 
you and love you

He: That is what being a Christian is
Not acting because somebody acted
But obeying the instruction of God
We forgive because we have been forgiven

She: Now I wish there was someone to 
talk to him too the way you’re talking to me
I feel so much better suddenly

She: I feel like he always finds a way to 
sabotage my efforts
He will be at home, his phone will ring and
then he would go outside to pick the call
At first, I didn’t even think care about who 
he was talking to
But after that incident two years ago, 
I began to suspect he was talking to girls

He: You were putting your husband under 
It wasn't right
I have seen ladies do this
Treat their men as if they were children
because they caught him cheating
Suspect him of cheating or believe
somehow that all men are cheats
Men hate it
Adults speak to each other
When you feel you have to physically 
manipulate or force compliance
It belittles you and irritates him
and he will react that way
He has told you he is not cheating
That was enough
He receives calls when he is not 
at home
Were you always with him at such times?

She: He gave me a reason to be suspicious
I am like this now because of his cheating 
That was how he use to go out to talk to 
the girl then

He: Let us assume he is cheating now
What will you do about it, If you find out 

She: Doing it till now brings back bad 
memories and I can’t ignore it
At least I’ll let his people and my people know. 
In case I’m tired and have to walk away
I’m not going to encourage cheating

He: But You said you will walk away without 
a second thought if you met someone better 
and more caring
Can he do the same?
Meet someone he loves better and who
treats him better and walk away
Just dump you and go with that one?

She: No! No way! Why would any reasonable
man treat a woman like that

He: But you will leave with another man
if presented with that option now

She: Yes, I will. I cannot lie

He: So it is because you don't have the power
to do anything that you are with him
If you had the power you would leave without a
second thought! 
It has always been about self-preservation
not love
That is my point

She: I was just hearing about a man that 
caught his wife cheating recently. 
He chased her away but if it were to be 
a woman that found her husband cheating 
people will tell her to endure

He: True, that sometimes happens but there
are many enduring men too
Men whose wife cheated and even brought
home another man's child for them to
raise and they did it
But this is not about society
This is about you

She: But the society’s double standard is bad

He: Don't generalize sis

It doesn't help to project issues
You are with him because you have 
no choice
Why should he be faithful to you?

She: I don’t understand

He: Let me rephrase the question

She: Okay

He: You are with him because you have 
no better alternative, if you do have an 
alternative, you will dump him
True or false

She: True

He: And you expect him to be faithful?

She: Yes because the reason I wanted 
to dump him in the first place was because 
he wasn’t treating me right
If he was doing all he was supposed to
I won’t nurse such ideas

He: So this is why you have to stop the 
rot here
He did bad and i do bad
Good wouldn't come out of that
Jesus said our Good can overwhelm 
and subdue and eschew evil
So if one partner is good in the right way, 
it can take over the misdeeds of the 
But if you insist on action and counteraction
Where would it end?
An eye for an eye leaves us all blind
So the key here is a decision to change

She: True

He: If I were you, I  will do the right thing, not for Him but because that is who I am

She: Yea very true. I understand it now

He: Hope our discussion was helpful

She: Extremely sir! Extremely. 
Really appreciate

He: God bless you, Sis

She: Amen
He: Give your little princess big hugs 
and kisses

She: Thank you Sir