Why I Abandoned My Wedding on Saturday

Why I Abandoned My Wedding on Saturday (Warning: This is a long read)

Dear sir,

On the day I finally went to meet my girlfriend's parents officially, I went with a basket of fruits.

We had been dating for over a year, as at that time

We met at her place of work

I was then working with an IT company and tasked with updating the software on all her office computers

Her office detailed her to assist me on the task, and we hit it off from there

We would usually go on dates every weekend, or she would come to my flat to pay me a visit

The first time she came, she cleaned out the flat so thoroughly, even though we were just at the talking stage then

I was really shocked because I kept a clean crib

Anyway, after months of hanging out and spending almost every weekend together, she said her parents would like to meet the man in her life

I got to her parents' house at about 1 pm

I met her father in the sitting room

Her mother was in the kitchen

She was cooking especially for my visit

I greeted her father, who was a very warm and cheerful man

He had not eaten breakfast at that time

My girlfriend went into the kitchen to greet her mother and inform her that I had arrived

Her mother wore the brightest smile as she came out of the kitchen to welcome me

The small talk happened, and it was all cheery and good

Then her father said, "Mummy, what about my food?"

It was an odd question to me because my father never had to ask for food from my mother

I am thirty-two years old, and I grew up with my parents

I never heard my father ask that question before, ever.

Her mother snapped at him, "Dare, you are the one who is diabetic and cannot eat what normal people eat. So you have to be patient. We have a guest, and I am making his food.

When I am done, I will prepare your wheat."

I saw the man's neck retreat into his body as his head drooped like a very heavy mango.

Was I supposed to feel comfortable eating when my meal was prioritised above the meal of the man of the house?

The liveliness in the sitting room disappeared as my girlfriend's mother went back into the kitchen

My girlfried went with her to help with the cooking and catch up with some gist

I sat there, alone with my thoughts while casting side looks at this man who had to endure such a humiliation before his proposed son-in-law.

He didn't say another word to me

The air was putrid and choking with tension and pain

The man was hungry!

I  wanted to press my phone, but I resisted the urge to

Luckily, there was a Premier League game on TV

Though muted, I fixed my eyes on the screen

An hour later, the table was set

They had prepared the best Amala, Ewedu, Gbegiri, Ogunfe and other delicacies in my honour

Her younger sister and older sister emerged from their rooms

They saw me and greeted me politely

Her mother announced that the table was set

I used my eyes to signal to my girlfriend to come to me

She did, and I whispered in her ear that I don't think it is polite for me to eat while her father was sitting in that chair without food.

She smiled and said, "Come on, his food is on the fire."

The dining table was a six-seater furniture

Her mother sat at the head of the table

Her brother and sister sat at her mother's left hand

My girlfriend and I sat to her right hand

The seat meant for her Dad was empty

We ate

Her mother asked questions about my family, my work, my plans, and so on while she filled me in about her siblings and all

When we were done eating. My girlfriend and her sister cleared the dishes

Her mother went to the kitchen and brought out her father's food

She set it at the head of the table, the seat she had previously occupied, and then informed her husband that his meal was ready.

The poor man shuffled to the dining table at 3 pm

I almost wept

When I took my leave, my girlfriend was seeing me off to my car

I asked her why her mother treated her father that way

She dismissed it as "Daddy and Mummy know how to handle each other. We children just stay out of their way most of the time"

I was not satisfied, but I swallowed my misgivings

Later that week, when she came to my flat, i raised the topic again.

She told me her father was a cheat when he had money

That he favoured his parents above his wife financially

His family was evil, and they stole his glory

He had a child outside of marriage

He lost his job about ten years ago, before then, and her mother had been the breadwinner

I saw that scene between her father and her mother play out over a hundred times whenever I was invited to their family gatherings, as we planned towards our wedding

Her mother's family members were the only ones welcome in her parents' house

Her father had no voice

Once I heard her mother say, "Dare, you stole money from my purse to give your bastard daughter.

Do you think I didn't know you went to see her yesterday at Tank and Tummy?

I was wondering where you would get transport fare and entertainment money, only to notice that twenty thousand Naira was missing in my purse

When you are sick, I pay your bills. You are diabetic and have to eat special food, I still pay. You will steal my money to go drinking with your friends despite your condition, I will turn a blind eye, and now you are stealing my money to give that wretched daughter of a leech?"

Those scenes stuck with me.

My girlfriend was all nice and warm, but I had nightmares everytime i remember the way his mother treated her father.

Yes, I was more or less a member of the family, even though we had not gotten married, but I was not raised that way.

Everything her mother was accusing her father of was more or less the things my mother could also accuse my father of.

My father cheated and had two girls with another woman outside of marriage

My mother never treated him with scorn and disdain.

My mother is not the breadwinner, but we have been through some hard times too as a family, and at some point, my mother was the one sustaining the family for a year or two after my father lost most of his investments in the Nigerian Stock Market Crash of 2009.

My mother was ever so graceful and supportive of her husband and the family.

I know I couldn't marry my mother, but I want someone like her as a wife.

My girlfriend really loves and supports me; I have no doubt that she loves me.

This is why I wanted to marry her, but her mother's influence over her is strong.

If i point out something her mother did to her father, anything, my girlfriend will defend her.

She has been through a lot.

She friend puff puff at a point to support her income to send us to school.

She went to kneel down at LASU's senate to get me admission

She helped me secure my first job with an old friend

Her mother could do no wrong in her eyes

The other children, too, were the same way, even the son.

They would take sides with their mother and gang up against their father on every issue.

Now to the reason I am walking away from this wedding.

I could write more, but I don't want it to look like I was painting my ex-girlfriend black or making excuses.

Yes, I should have broken up the engagement long before the wedding day

I did this twice

On both occasions, my girlfried will cry and tell me to be fair to her and not judge her by her mother's behaviour.

On the first occasion, her mother called me, and i refused to return her call.

Her mother then went home to insult her father to the point where the man picked up his phone, called me, and said, "You this boy, mummy said she called you, and you didn't return her call. Nobody disrespects my wife that way. Even I dare not. Did your fiancée not inform you? Don't play with fire. Return her call immediately."

The second time, we had started setting up my flat for the wedding by buying kitchenware, electronics, etc

I went shopping with my girlfriend, and we bought a lot of things.

When we were done, I noticed that everything she bought with her money was sent to her parents' house.

Flatscreen TV, Chest freezer, Fridge, etc

While all the things I bought with my money went to "our" flat.

I pointed it out to her, and she said.

"You are the man. You are doing your duty. I am a daughter, and I am doing my duty. How is this an issue?"

On both occasions, I broke up with her.

She came back begging and promised to do better.

When the engagement had gone on for a year, her mother went to the priest without our knowledge and registered us for marriage class.

When she told me, I said I didn't want to be a lackey in her mother's matriarchy and would prefer that her mother steer clear of our affair.

When we did the formal introduction, we said it would be a sitting room affair with five people from each side.

My family and I got there and met three canopies full of people.

I stomached it

I was so angry that I refused to eat that day

She said it was her mother who changed the whole plan at the last minute

I warned her that day that if it happened again, there would be no wedding.

She apologised, and we made up

Then the last straw was last Saturday.

I had sat my parents down and told them everything that was going on the day before the wedding

I told them I would have called it off, but I was hopeful my girlfriend would do right by me and stick to our agreement

My parents were very embarrassed during the introduction because the compeer kept saying, "Don't you have people? Where are the groom's friends? Where are the groom's family members etc.?" and you know how those compeers can be sometimes."

My parents listened to me as I explained myself with tears. I told them I wanted to call it off on Friday.

My father said, "Let us go there on Saturday. If we meet a crowd this time, I promise you we will leave, and we will be justified to do so."

My father then sneakily went behind me to call my girlfriend's father, and he asked him if the ten guests per family arrangement would still hold or if it had changed.

Knowing my fiancée's mum, she didn't bother carrying that man along, so the man said the agreement still holds.

When we got to their house on that Saturday, we were redirected to a hall inside a local government secretariat close to their house

By then, I had taken off my suit and rolled up my sleeves.

We rode in silence until we got there

When I saw the crowd, I started laughing

Then I saw my girlfriend and walked up to her to tell her it was over.

I have read comments from many saying I was immature, she dodged a bullet, I was this, and I was that.

I have also read comments saying I did the right thing.

I am explaining my decision to you as a form of therapy.

I am writing out my story out loud so that I can see the clarity of my own decision-making process and see for myself what I did wrong, and so on.

I will only live once, and I choose to be true to myself as I live and not pander to a crowd or sentiments.

God bless you, Brother Gbenga.