Most women want to get married at least once in their lives. This isn’t the case for men. In most cases, the reason a man gets married isn’t out of love, but for some other reason.

What that reason is or might be, and why a man often cannot or doesn’t want to commit, is what this is all about.

My aim is to impart knowledge and promote greater mutual understanding. I am far from wanting to judge men or women or to portray them in a negative light.

Let’s start from the beginning: men are loners by nature. They are hunters and gatherers.

Hunting is often fraught with danger, so it’s important for a man not to allow himself to be distracted whilst hunting. In order to hunt successfully and bring home the prey, a man must therefore proceed strategically, be strong, and know what he is doing. If he is careless or clumsy whilst hunting, he will not regularly bring food home. This reduces his chances of winning a woman or being able to provide for a family.

Although in this day and age it’s no longer about hunting, but about earning enough money, deep down a man has remained a hunter. He still feels the need to pursue a goal, to compete, to assert himself, and to win.

Even in his private life, a man wants to hunt and compete (with other men). He no longer hunts merely for food (money), but seeks to win the most desirable woman for himself. If he succeeds, he is assured of the admiration of others.

Although our living conditions have changed drastically over the last hundred years, our basic needs have remained the same. They shape our lives just as much as they did for the generations before us.

Men and women have different roles by nature. Men have the task of hunting. Women have the task of bearing and raising children.

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Because of these different roles, men and women have different genes and different hormonal balances. Furthermore, certain parts of their brains are wired differently, which means that they sometimes think, feel, and act differently.

A major problem in a relationship is that, in certain situations, we don’t feel understood by our partner. When we don’t feel understood, conflict is usually inevitable.

The reason we feel misunderstood and get upset is that our partner doesn’t (sufficiently) respond to our needs. When this is the case, we usually feel personally attacked and typically react by fleeing, fighting, or freezing (fear).

Different Needs

Men and women not only behave differently at times, they also sometimes have different needs.

For example, men naturally have a greater and more constant need for sex than women. This is due to their hormones.

Testosterone is responsible for our sexual desire (in both women and men). A man has at least 10 times higher testosterone levels than a woman. At the beginning of a relationship, this difference isn’t so significant, as both partners produce more testosterone when they are in love, which stimulates their sexual desire. However, after the initial phase of infatuation, this need gradually fades, and thus the woman has less desire for sex than the man. This usually becomes a problem.

As mentioned earlier, a man is, by nature, a hunter (fighter) and a loner. He is someone who keeps a lot to himself. So, he doesn’t reveal his innermost thoughts and doesn’t talk much either.

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However, a woman has this need, especially if she works and/or raises children. If she works and/or raises children, this can be very exhausting and challenging, so she feels the need to share her problems and experiences with others.

Let’s be clear: a man prefers to solve his problems on his own. A woman, on the other hand, talks things through and seeks advice and help from others. In most relationships, this difference leads to a lack of understanding and dissatisfaction after a while.

When We Fall in Love, Our Hormones Change

When we fall in love and want to get to know someone better, our bodies undergo hormonal changes. They release a lot of dopamine. On the one hand, this causes us to focus entirely on the other person and tune out everything else. On the other hand, it makes us feel very excited and eager for our next meeting.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter (put simply, it’s a hormone in the brain) responsible for our extrapersonal space. The extrapersonal space is the area we cannot directly influence.

When we cannot directly influence something, it has its appeal. Especially for a man who, deep down, is a hunter. The situation is unpredictable, which makes it exciting and stimulates his hunting instinct.

When we are in love, dopamine ensures that more testosterone is released. Testosterone stimulates our desire for sex (in both men and women). That is why we feel the urge for sex during the initial and getting-to-know-each-other phase.

Men Can Have Sex Without Being in Love

A man’s brain is wired differently to a woman’s. In men, the area of the brain responsible for feelings is located in a different part to that responsible for desire and sexuality. As these areas aren’t closely interconnected, it’s easy for a man to have sex without developing feelings for the other person. This is difficult for a woman, as the areas of her brain are more strongly connected, and she also forms an emotional bond with the man through sex.

Other reasons why a man can separate love and sex are his attitude and his hormone levels.

A man likes to chase. Once he has achieved his goal, he often moves on and looks for a new goal. By ‘goal’ I mean, of course, a woman he wants to win over and have sex with. So, at the beginning of a relationship, a man doesn’t necessarily intend to commit.

A Woman in Love Forms a Bond With a Man Through Sex

When a woman is in love with a man and has sex with him, she forms a bond with him. The reason for this is the bonding hormone oxytocin.

Oxytocin is released when we touch or embrace people and feel connected to them.

Oxytocin is also released during sex (foreplay and orgasm). For a woman, sleeping with a man just once is enough to make her feel connected to him.

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A Man Isn’t Ready to Commit Yet

A man’s hormone balance is different. When a man becomes intimate with a woman after a short time, his body does release oxytocin (foreplay, orgasm), but his body cannot yet do anything with the oxytocin.

The reason for this is that he hasn’t formed oxytocin receptors yet. He only forms oxytocin receptors when he feels connected to this woman.

Since he doesn’t know the woman well yet and doesn’t usually want to commit himself after such a short time, his oxytocin cannot take effect yet. (The exception is men who work in social professions and are in direct contact with children or people. Their bodies are attuned to oxytocin and have usually already formed oxytocin receptors.)

So, women seek closeness with their partner after their first sexual encounter because they feel connected. They have a strong desire to be with him. They do everything they can to bind him to them and usually become very ‘clingy’. Men find this behaviour repulsive and alienating, as they tend to be loners who neither like nor understand such clinginess.

Influence of Upbringing

Depending on whether a man has been brought up in a gender-neutral or traditionally masculine way, he may or may not be able to commit to a relationship from the start. His upbringing and his attitude towards marriage (and family) are therefore also decisive in determining whether a man is able and willing to form an emotional bond.

If a man lacks this desire for connection, he will usually move on after a one-night stand or the initial infatuation phase and seek his next conquest. This means he distances himself from his partner or dates several women at the same time.

However, there is another reason why a man might not want to commit.

Routine Lacks Appeal

Dopamine creates that sense of excitement and makes us want to have sex. However, once we get to know our partner better, the dopamine has (from an evolutionary perspective) served its purpose.

Around 6–12 months after we first meet, our dopamine levels drop. This is why our desire for sex also diminishes. Less dopamine also means less excitement and less spark.

So, when the initial infatuation fades, the relationship enters a new phase. This phase is determined by other hormones (serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, endorphins, and endocannabinoids).

At this stage, our lives increasingly revolve around our extrapersonal space. This is now about things we can influence. Since we have got to know our partner a bit better, routine is slowly returning to our lives. Having a routine makes us feel stable.

We start to focus more on ourselves and our own needs again. As a result, the rose-tinted glasses gradually fade, so that we question things and are no longer as willing to compromise. The first cracks may begin to appear in our relationship. This is due to differences that can now become apparent and bother us.

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The Partner Loses Their Appeal

One of the reasons why a man doesn’t want to commit is that, once the initial phase of infatuation is over, the appeal of the new and unknown fades. The spark isn’t quite there as it used to be.

Reasons Why He Might Stay In the Relationship

If he stays in the relationship, there can be several reasons for this. One reason may be the ‘all-round care’ he receives from his partner. If his girlfriend is pregnant, that may also be a reason. He wants to stand by his responsibility and stays with her. However, there may also be social or financial reasons keeping him in the relationship.

If, for example, his partner has a good reputation, this reputation can rub off on him and bring him benefits. If a woman is wealthy (wealthier than him), this can also be an incentive for him to continue the relationship. Generally speaking, it’s always an advantage he wouldn’t want to miss out on.

Having outlined the main reasons why a man wants or doesn’t want to commit, I would like to briefly touch on why a woman (absolutely) wants to commit.

Why Do Most Women Want to Get Married?

Women want to feel connected to their partner and become one. This is a key reason why marriage is so important to them. Saying ‘I do’ reaffirms this unity and gives the woman the security she needs to continue investing her time and energy in the relationship. A woman also assumes that her partner shares this attitude and will be just as committed as she is.

Another reason is the potential financial security that comes with marriage. Depending on which of the two earns more, this can have a positive impact on a woman’s financial situation. This is particularly true if they are planning to start a family and the woman then stops working (full-time). This gives her a feeling that she will be financially secure in the future.

Social status also plays an important role for a woman. If she marries a man who holds a good position and enjoys social prestige, this reflects well on her. In most cases, she also receives respect and prestige.

Finally, I would like to discuss when a man is ready to commit.

What Is the Prerequisite for a Man to Commit Seriously?

As already mentioned, in most cases a man cannot or doesn’t want to commit. So, what leads a man to want to commit seriously and be ready to get married?

If a man wants to enter into a serious relationship and get married, he must first consciously decide to make this commitment. Only when his brain continuously receives these bonding signals does his body form the necessary oxytocin receptors. This feeling of connection also causes his oestrogen levels to rise, making him want to protect his partner. So, he changes his behaviour and is willing to stand by the relationship and commit to it.

When a man’s oestrogen levels rise (he feels connected), his testosterone levels drop as a result. Due to his lower testosterone levels and the oxytocin receptors, the oxytocin can now take effect. He is now ready to form a bond, both emotionally and hormonally.