Houses and Walls

Houses and Walls

I found myself in a discussion with a sister that was recently heartbroken

She came to see me to talk about the relationship and how the whole thing went up in flames

I paid attention to her pain

I assured her I would talk to the guy involved and find out how things went down from his perspective

A few minutes after I was done talking with the sister

Her ex-boyfriend walks up to me to discuss something entirely different

He seemed unperturbed by the heartbreak

I had totally assumed he came to unburden just like the sister had done

So I asked him what happened between him and the sister

He said it was a mistake he regretted ever making

I asked him why

He said from the moment he called off the relationship the sister had gone over twenty people to report him and ruin his good name

I said "You cannot tell people how to react to pain"

He said "That was the same quality I saw in her that made me realise dating her was a mistake"

We were dating and I noticed she was emotionally disturbed

She had this mentality that because we met in a Christian space and she got a prophetic leading to date me, I had no option but to marry her

That kind of a mindset that I owe the brethren and the fellowship accountability on this relationship and it must work out or you will find yourself doing a lot of explaining

That mindset made her talk and act in a manner that I seriously found very disturbing

It is true that when we met I was struggling financially and she supported me in many ways

I do not feel I owe her marriage for that

There are so many other qualities I desire in a woman that she did not have

She is not emotionally intelligent

She does not take kindly to being corrected

She does not understand the meaning of quality time or act of service

She is a giver and we both understand that givers can be generous or unduly motivated

If someone is dating you and generous to you and the moment things are not working out begins to use what he or she gave you as a talking point to how he or she cared for you and paint you as an ingrate, then that is not truly a giver

That is a baiter who uses gifts as bait to either get you to feel guilty when you do what he or she wants or to spread a bad word about you to everyone while painting herself as a saint

It is what most baiters who pretend to be givers do

A true giver does not even see it as a talking point because he or she would only be exercising his or her innate character

In the same way someone who does quality time cant go shouting that I spent time with you even though I could have spent that same time with someone else

Later that evening, I sat down with three other folks and the lady had gone to each of them to tell them all about the relationship and how it had ended, and all

She was on a mission to ruin the guy's reputation

It was sad to see

She didn't see that by going about talking about it on rooftops she was hurting herself the more

Other guys and ladies in the fellowship who saw the way she acted made a mental note not to get involved with her because she lacked discretion

Nobody wanted to be used to paint the streets of gossip green by a scorned woman

The brother however found someone else to date him just a few weeks after she broke up with this lady

That was quite funny to me

The noise the sister made about how she had been jilted attracted someone who did not even want to date anyone in the fellowship to the guy


The relationship turned out to be a very good one

One that led to a marriage proposal

One which generated no buzz, noise or scandal

No third party knew what was going on between the guy and this new babe

The new babe fitted right into the quiet and private mindset of the guy

I sat down thinking about the issues for a while

How our character and emotions define us

The first lady is quite outspoken and boisterous

The second lady is quite quiet and taciturn and keeps her business to herself

The guy however is quiet and taciturn by nature too which was why he could have been attracted to the boisterous one in the guise of opposites attracting

Being boisterous by nature does not have to mean lacking discretion

Discretion is a quality that must be learned at all cost

A man or woman without it is like a house without walls

I have met couples who lacked discretion

They both say everything and anything without boundaries

The wife delivered a baby, and the husband recorded it on his phone and showed it to people right by the hospital bed when they came to visit them after the delivery

The husband lost his job and the wife posted the letter on her WhatsApp status

They both fitted into each other like gloves to hand

They never could rise beyond mediocrity in life as individuals and as a couple

The wife kept losing her job after every three years of employment because once she got familiar with people in an office and knew one or two things about them, she started using what she had learned as a talking point and she got the sack

The same with her husband

Both of them pray and fast and trust God for a lifting in life but they didn't see that they are the reason for their own failure in life

It is a bad thing to lack discretion

Nobody can trust you with a secret

Your business is everybody's business

How then will you be trusted with secrets by God

You really do not have to use the issues you are facing in your life as entertainment for people's itchy ears

You don't have to tell everybody what happened to whom and when

You should have your support system but even they should have a limit to what they know about you

Sometimes your support system is the number one enemy

The assumption that you have that you have to please them and tell them all your life issues or get them involved in your relationship is wrong

If they are your support team indeed, you may not need to say a word and they will still support you

You may tell them you messed up and they will still support you

They don't need details and they don't need to get involved in your life to the extent that they will be interacting with the other person or even writing to him or her and insulting him or her on your behalf

It would help if you manage your affairs with discretion.


PS: I recently shared a video in two groups just to gauge the reaction of the members of the group

The same video was sent to married couples on a WhatsApp group and to a single's only WhatsApp Group

I wanted to see how being married or being single affects our perspective as individuals

The result was huge

The married couples, read it and commented with a few words each

They all saw the action of the aggressor on the video as excessive

The singles however started coming up with all sorts of comments

Some leaned towards the aggressor being right because she was acting out her feelings

Some leaned towards public embarrassment and shaming or calling out of irresponsible partners or lovers or husbands

Some leaned towards cause and effect

Some were measured and saw that things were not done according to the right order

I read the comments and the character of each commentator and their mindset was revealed

I know you can hardly change people and they will react the same way to the same stimuli under the same conditions most of the time

I sincerely hope some of them would change their approach if they did, it would drastically make them happier and bring them more fulfilment in life