Etiquette For Men

Manners, etiquette, and common courtesy. Three things that go a long way in building relationships in all areas of life…yet, seem to be fading from “civilized” society.

Below, we’ll discuss points of etiquette relevant to elevating various areas of your everyday life. Dating. Success. Communication. Confidence building. Integrity. Honor. Respect.

1: Give up your seat.

Whether on a bus or on a crowded subway, giving up your seat to another is a rare but genuine sign of respect. When I used to take public transportation to an office in the city, I’d cringe every time a young, strapping man was so distracted by his phone that he never noticed the people around him who could’ve used his seat far more than he.

Call me old fashioned, but I believe that an elderly person, a pregnant woman, someone with a ton of bags, or simply a weary traveler should be given consideration over a person who simply does not feel like standing up.

It all comes down to being aware of your surroundings and acting accordingly. Something sorely lacking in a perpetually distracted society.

2: Walk on the street side of the sidewalk.

The purpose of this lost art is to show your willingness to be splashed instead of the woman you’re with, should a passing car run through a puddle. In the olden days, in some countries people would throw trash out of their windows, and the person walking closer to the building was less likely to be hit.

This is a small but important way to show that you care.

3: Understand etiquette of when to lead and when to follow.

Proper etiquette dictates that in situations such as being seated by a host/hostess at a restaurant, theater, or places of the like: The woman is to lead. In more crowded places that may require a push or two to get through a crowd, the man is to lead the woman.

Furthermore, she is to lead walking upstairs, and he is to lead going downstairs. Both are to ensure your ability to catch her if she slips.

These may seem like small details, but in a world where etiquette is often brushed aside, those who pay attention to the details are those who stand out from the crowd.

4: Embrace being wrong. That’s how you learn and grow.

Have you ever met someone who refuses to acknowledge new information or evidence no matter how obvious it may seem? Their stance on a subject is merely based on opinion, and they will never acknowledge conflicting facts.

This puts up a stone wall around your current base of knowledge and allows no room for expansion beyond it.

The only way to learn or grow is to be wrong. Only when you are wrong do you absorb new information, change your stance, and subsequently become “right.” Without the ability to admit a mistake, there will be no lessons to take from it.

Nobody enjoys being wrong, but we must embrace it as a possibility in order to grow. If we tie our identity to always being right, we’ll feel conflict anytime we’re not.

But, if we tie our identity to learning and growth, then any experience is a new opportunity to capitalize on it.

5: Value self-improvement and respect.

In order to earn respect from others, you first must have it for yourself.

This means taking care of both your physical and mental well-being. In a society built around filters and photoshop it appears as though we value surface over substance.

A gentleman understands the importance of what lies beneath. Knowledge, passions, the ability to connect with others, the importance of self-education.

Whether it is reading books, listening to lectures, watching documentaries, or any other education medium he prefers, it is important to not lose sight of improving the mind while also working on improving the body.

6: Actually, take the time to plan a date.

One of the most common complaints I hear from female clients is that men expect a casual text invitation to ‘hang out’ to pass as a date, and to send the same message. It most definitely does not. The effort you put into planning a date sends a woman the message of how much you are [or aren’t] truly interested in her.

In the age of technology, you are likely texting or chatting for a while before you actually see each other. Use this time to discover some of her interests and plan something accordingly. In an age of apathy, your efforts will be well received.

7: Dress appropriately.

The way you dress not only speaks to the respect you have for yourself, but also for the respect you have for the people you are dressing to be around.

The more effort you put into how you look, the more it shows you value how the other person is going to perceive you and act towards you in return.

8: Pay the bill on a date.

All of it.

9: Honor family and relationships.

Even more important than professional accomplishment and success, is cultivating relationships with the people whom you will share it with.

Family and relationships look different for all of us. As society (thankfully) becomes more accepting as we evolve as a species, we have more and more freedom to create a life that suits us as individuals.

No matter what this looks like for you, valuing and honoring those you love and care for must always remain a priority.

A gentleman will understand that no matter how far he makes it in life, it is better to be in a cottage with people he loves than it is to be in a mansion by himself.

10: Stand up from the table when your date leaves or arrives.

You may be saying to yourself:

Come on, nobody does that anymore.

Correct. That’s exactly the point.

11: Hone your communication skills.

We all know that men have a sub-par reputation for their communication skills within a relationship (or, lack thereof), but it doesn’t have to be that way.

They’re called communication skills for a reason. Just like any other skill, they can be learned, cultivated, and enhanced.

Of course, I say this as a professional writer and speaker, but I believe that effective communication skills are your secret weapon to living a happy and successful life.

The ability to communicate your ideas, wants, needs, and desires is essential to building relationships, connections, and finding (creating) your place in the world.

12: Understand the difference between confidence and arrogance.

The former is attractive and appealing.

The latter is not.

13: Lead with universal kindness.

A man of quality is never afraid of equality.

The worldview that every human is valuable and worthy of respect is one that directly influences our quality of life and the reality we live in.

We interact with a variety of people on a regular basis, from the barista at our favorite coffee shop, to random people in traffic, to the people at the gym. The way we approach these interactions, no matter how fleeting, is a matter of dignity and respect.

Having the self-awareness and honor to lead with kindness in all of one’s interactions is a clear mark of someone who holds themselves to higher standards.

14: Listen.

In a healthy relationship, each partner relies on the other for love, guidance, and advice. Sometimes, just taking the time to genuinely listen to what she has to say (and not saying anything at all) will say more to her than your words ever could.

If a woman is complaining to you, remember that it means she trusts you enough to express her feelings to you. Don’t betray that trust.

15: Continue working on yourself.

Some men have a tendency to dive headfirst into relationships and think that the most effective way to keep a woman’s attention is to give her all of theirs.

The problem with this approach is that it often leads to loss of identity on man’s part. He gives up passions, social time with friends, focus on his health and wellness…all for the sake of someone who wants him to maintain those very things.

You see, part of being an attractive, well-rounded man, is making sure that you stay healthy, fit, active, and focused on your own passions and desires.

These are some of the very things that drew her to you in the first place, so how do you think she’ll feel if they no longer exist?

16: Keep your phone away in social situations.

We have become so accustomed to constantly being attached to our phones that it’s easy to forget what an unnatural extension of ourselves it actually is.

It takes away our attention, focus, and ability to be present.

Whether on a date, in a meeting, or spending time with friends; keeping your phone in your pocket rather than laid out on the table in front of you is a way to express that you’re willing to prioritize the humans in your immediate presence, rather than the ones on the other side of a screen.

17: Stay well-informed.

I’m not just talking about reading Facebook memes and article headlines.

Staying up to date on real current events and important world issues makes someone interesting. It empowers you to be around a wide variety of people and hold a meaningful conversation when present.

18: Don’t force it.

Whether it be a relationship that just isn’t right, taking on a client who you know is going to be a huge hassle, trying to force a business arrangement that is costing you more than it’s worth, or getting someone who’s closed off to open up to you…be honest with yourself about whether or not the juice is really worth the squeeze.

19: Hold the door.

What gender or species is the living being following behind you? Matter, it does not, sir.

Hold the door for the woman, man, child, alien, dog, gerbil, or horse walking behind you.

This common courtesy isn’t dependent on who you’re holding it for, it’s dependent on who you choose to be.

20: Never show up empty handed.

“Don’t bring anything, I’ve got it covered!” should never actually be listened to.

Whether attending a party, social gathering, or family event, a gentleman never shows up empty handed.

When in doubt, a simple bouquet of flowers or a bottle of wine will always do.

21: Always be punctual.

I remember a teacher of mine once saying:

Being early is on time, and being on time is late.

Keeping someone, waiting is poor etiquette, and shows that you do not value their time or that you weren’t willing to plan far enough ahead in order to ensure punctuality.

22: Be honest at all times.

A reputation for honesty breeds a reputation for reliability.

A reputation for trustworthiness. A reputation for being honorable. Consistency is important in both personal and professional life.

This is how we create a legacy we can be proud of.

23: Say please and thank you.

It perturbs me that this point even needs to be written…but it does.

I cannot tell you how often I hear someone order a meal, or a coffee, or a drink, and not use simply manners like saying please and thank you.

Perhaps we’ve grown more entitled as a society, or less respectful of those in the service industry. We simply expect to be given or handed things and feel less appreciation for it than once before. Maybe we have too many luxuries and have grown numb to just how special each of them are.

Showing gratitude and thanks to those who make our lives easier (or simply those we love and appreciate) makes them feel valued and recognized.

These are small words that require a small amount of effort to use, but at the end of the day, they can make all the difference in the world.

24: Get clear on your identity and purpose.

The world will always do its best to fit us into a mold, put a label on us, or drift us on to a certain path that may not be best for us.

The only defense against this is putting in the work to clearly define our individual identity and purpose outside of our career(s) or relationship status.

Who are you as a man? What are your values, beliefs, and what do you stand for?

What do you consider right or wrong, and are you willing to fight for it?

When you wake up every day, what is the impact you are striving to make in the world?

Clarity around these questions will serve as your defense mechanism against a world that is always trying to tell you who to be, or how to act.

25: Put others first.

There is no room among the gentlemanly for the selfish.

There is no room for those who believe climbing the ladder means stepping on others along the way. There is no room for those who mistreat others for their own benefit, or any reason at all. A gentleman isn’t kind to people because of who they are, he is kind to people because of who he is.

A gentleman will respect other men, women, children, and animals…and treat them with kindness. There is no need for a confident man to hurt another being in any way, as he gains nothing from it.

Gentlemen are a rare breed in today’s society. It is important for men to strive for these ideals if we hope to create a brighter future for ourselves and our children.

Holding one’s self to a higher standard than society expects is not easy, and oftentimes the rewards take longer to appear than we’d like. But, we mustn’t allow that to throw us off track, as doing so would be misaligned from our identity and purpose.

We must show up every day with the intention of our presence in the world being a positive one.

Not because it’s easy, but because it’s worth it.

While these points provide a starting place, etiquette is not a checklist, it is a way of life. Being polite, treating each other well, and living with honor and dignity is something that ensures healthy relationships, respect, and connection to, and from others.