The Thin Line

She: We are both mature and honest about what we wanted out of the relationship.

I didn't want him lying to me or promising me something he couldn't deliver, so I told him straight away that I don't want any talk of marriage.

I was not some twenty-something-year-old lady desperately looking for a husband; I was in my late thirties, I had built a career for myself, and I was doing very well on my own.

From my previous relationships, I had learnt that marital discussions make me apprehensive and build unnecessary expectations in my heart, which inadvertently ruins the relationship.

The guy I was with before I met him got it; we were together more like companions who met each other's sexual needs once in a while.

I mean, I am not big on sex, but once in a while, the body might call for it, and I would rather have someone handy to roll in the hay with.

Unfortunately, the guy got tired of our occasional weekends together after falling in love with another lady.

It was inevitable.

He was four years younger than I was and had just secured a better job.

Such progress naturally would lead to him settling down and moving on.

We parted ways without any formal discussion.

He sent me a text asking for some money I owed him.

I sent him the money.

He replied by saying he was getting married the following weekend.

I was like, "Wow, congratulations."

End Of Story.

A month after that, I met this new guy.

He was two years older than me. Divorced. Extremely full of himself. Smart. Opinionated. Doesn't talk about government or politics. Self-made. Everything I disliked in a man. Absolute Authoritarian and Master of All. A know-it-all. A shut up and listen sort of guy who somehow always ends up being right and knows it too.

We met at a cocktail dinner organised by one of the popular hotels in Lagos.

He was a guest at the Hotel

My company has an account with the hotel where we lodge our guests.

The hotel invited our company with the hope that a bit of networking with the hotel's guests would be beneficial to all.

I was instructed to attend with four other staff members to mingle with the rich guests and market our organisation.

As soon as I walked into the hall, I could sense his eyes on me.

He looked too good to be single, and I was so not going to entertain any married man in my space, so I avoided him.

Anyway, another colleague got talking to him, and the talk got to the issues of politics, and he refused to engage.

The colleague signalled to me to come over and said, "I told you there are men who don't talk politics. Mr So and so, here is one of them."

I looked up at his face, and our eyes met.

My knees began to shiver immediately.

I mean, I was thirty-eight, and I had been having sex since I was fifteen.

What trick was there for any man to pull that I had not seen?

I asked him why he did not talk politics.

He replied by asking me why I was not as successful as him.

I laughed and said, "How do you know I am not as successful as you?"

He said, "I make my own money; you work for someone. I am a whale; you are a bait. Your bosses sent you here to land accounts, so I guess you make something like half a million naira per month."

The discussion had gone way out of hand. It felt as if he was not just undressing me in public physically; he was also doing so psychologically and financially and emotionally and whatever else.

And he was not done!

He said, "The wristwatch you are wearing belonged to your ex-boyfriend or lover. Why do you still wear it?"

I said, "How do you know?"

He lifted up my hand and showed me the strap. One hole was bigger than the others, which obviously proves someone whose wrist was bigger used to wear the watch.

He was right.

Then he said, "I have a store somewhere in Lagos where we sell smartwatches. I will give you a new one so that you don't keep wearing a dead man's boot.

And then he laughed with his eyes locked into mine.

I was all messed up. I had never been like that in many years. I mean. I was a gusher in my university days, but after some stint with celibacy and other issues, I would say I required a bit of work to drip, but not this whatever...

I excused myself and ran to the washroom.

By the time I returned to the cocktail party with a determination to stand my ground, he was seated with some white folks, and he waved me over.

We talked for a while, and he offered me a ride home.

I accepted.

On the way, he branched at the mall and gave me the smart watch he promised.

We talked a lot that evening in his car. He parked in front of my apartment, and we just talked on and on for hours

I felt like a teenager again.

Dead butterflies and bugs all came alive inside my tummy.

It was not love.

It was, however, nothing!

He asked me if I was seeing someone, and I said no.

Then he said, "Move in with me; I am a bit lonely and tired of staying alone."

The next day, I moved into his apartment.

When we moved in, I gave him the same speech I had given to the others before him.

I don't do love.

I don't do entanglements

I don't do complicated

I don't share

I walk away when I want, and that could be at the sight of anything unpleasant or unsavoury.

I could quit over you waking up late or not returning my calls on time or just for being me.

He said he understood.

One day at a time became dreams of a lifetime in my heart.

I didn't know when I fell in love or how...

He never misbehaved. Never spoke to another woman on the phone in a strange tone. Never picked up his calls in the bathroom. Treated me with respect. If he had an event that he wanted me to attend with me and I had nothing fitting to wear, he would take me shopping. He never complained about anything I did.

I mean...

I have never been with a man who gave me so much peace of mind as he did.

I had to tell him at one point that being with him redefined love for me.

By the time I had spent six months in his house, I began to tinker with the idea of broaching the topic of marriage with him.

I wanted badly to be his wife, and I had never wanted to be anybody's wife before in my life. Every man that had ever proposed marriage to me was disliked from the moment they said the word.

I am not the marrying kind!

I was contented with being single. I wore it like a badge of honour, and even my parents had resigned themselves to the fact that I would never get married.

I invited him to my younger brother's wedding; he attended and conducted himself so graciously.

My parents and siblings bombarded me with questions after the wedding.

Who was he?

Is he married or single?

Are you dating him?

I told them he was just a friend whose business aligned with my own at the moment.

Eventually, I summoned the courage and told him how I felt.

He replied by saying, "You are not what I am looking for."

What does that mean?

I don't understand. What was he looking for? What would that "what" have that I don't have?

I didn't take what he said badly.

I had been with him for six months, and I lived freely. He never complained for a minute or made me feel he was not accommodating of my excesses.

When he said I was not what he was looking for, that was where my mind went to.

My untidiness.

I would leave my broken hair in the brush in his bathroom; sometimes my unwashed clothes would litter the room. I left plates unwashed in his sink overnight and so many other minor things that my mother would have spanked me for.

I stayed with him on my terms, and I was not going to be his housekeeper or housemaid or play wife.

He had a contract with a cleaning company, and they did their work diligently.

So I began to tidy up. I mean...

I played wife. I cleaned, scrubbed, cooked, went to the market, watched videos on how to do better in bed, and I started initiating sex more frequently. Took him out on dates. Bought him gifts. Started this public display of affection thing...

I was shameless

He noticed all the changes and asked us to have a meeting.

At the meeting, he asked me what was going on, and I told him I just wanted to appreciate him for how well he had been taking care of me since I moved into his apartment.

He asked me why I chased away all his domestic staff, and I told him I wanted to save him some money.

How can two people be living together, and as a woman, I cannot manage the home?

He had four domestic staff members who reported to his apartment every day of the week to clean, wash, cook, tend to his garden and tend to his cars.

I took over all the domestic work and left only the security guard and the gardener.

I prayed daily that he would see the effort I was putting into us and reconsider his stance on marrying me.

Business took him to Brazil for two weeks. Usually, I would stay in his apartment whenever he was away, but I had left my apartment unattended for a while, and I felt I should use the opportunity to attend to my flat.

While he was in Brazil, I called him and accused him of not checking up on me.

He said, "Are you sure you are not falling in love, Ego? I know these signs, and I am getting worried that you will make things difficult when we eventually decide to part ways."

I screamed at him.

"You overestimate yourself. Who do you think you are? Just because I wondered why you didn't check up on me, you're flattering yourself. I am my own woman, and I will never chase any man. Please check your CCTV app and be sure your apartment is safe. That was why I called."

He apologised and rang off.

I fell more in love.

I couldn't help it. It was as if the more he ran away from me, the more I desired him. I was determined to conquer his heart of stone!

He was to return on a Tuesday. When I got to his apartment on Monday, the locks had been changed.

I tried calling him, but I realised he must be on the flight back to Nigeria.

When he got back on Tuesday, he came straight to my office and took me to lunch.

After he had given me the things I asked him to get for me and everything, he said he had news.

I asked him what the news was, and he said, "I found the person I was looking for in Brazil."

At first, the meaning of what he said was completely lost to me.

Was he ever looking for someone? Did somebody get lost? Was somebody lost?

I looked lost.

So he reiterated.

"I told some guys to do some work on the house. He said. I came home with the woman I am going to get married to. I found my woman, Ego. I found the woman of my dreams."

Sir, I lost it.

I didn't know when I began to curse the woman and him. I didn't ever know I could behave like that in my life. In public. Very close to my office. I couldn't take it.

I begged him. I even asked him if it was the sex and how I have been working on myself to do better.

The look on his face throughout my drama was shock!

I outdid myself.

I was so hurt. I cried all night, and I cried all day. I wrote a suicide note and sent it to him with a promise that I would kill myself and post the note on the Internet so that the world could know how black his heart was, and for good measure, it would also ruin his new relationship.

I hate what love did to me, Brother Gbenga; I hate it.

No man had ever made me behave like a mad woman before in my life, and I have dated many.

I was always the one setting terms and walking away while they would be on their knees begging.

He didn't even try, and that was the most annoying thing.

I fell in love with a guy who was just living his life on his terms. Who was kind to me the way he would have been kind to any other woman. He never professed love or tried to impress me or do anything to indicate that he really wanted me to be his woman.

I am confused, sir. I am also very angry, and I have been wishing him and his new girlfriend bad luck and all sorts of evil.

I am sorry for taking your time, sir. I saw one of your posts earlier today about how to handle breakups, and it just triggered me in a bad way.

I am in serious pain, sir.

-Ms. Ego

PS: When people live their lives carelessly, without a plan or purpose, just because they can, they see it as freedom and the ability to express their freedom without any form of accountability or stewardship to anybody.

But then, life happens to them in a way they didn't expect. The pain draws them closer to reality, and they realise that man is nothing without God.

We must strive to live our lives with a sense of purpose and accountability to God and to ourselves. This will help us as we make decisions and form meaningful friendships.