Rules Of Engagement

It is important to set your rules of engagement clearly at the start of a relationship.

All these "we will figure it out as we go" thing will only cause unnecessary pain for you in future.

Every relationship must be guided by written and unwritten rules.

Most of us expect people to act in our best interests out of love.

We feel "rules" limit love and places a restriction on the liberty that gives true love its breath.

We are quick to forget that erotic passion is lethal and can easily turn to hate with the slightest provocation.

Let God's love be boundless.

Create boundaries for your love.

1. You must have the THINGS I WILL NOT ACCEPT TALK.

A lot of people find themselves in a relationship with someone whom they love genuinely, but who is in the relationship simply to milk their feelings in order to get ahead in life.

Tell me why someone will profess his love for you and your response will be that the person prove it with material things.

Love is a feeling.

When it is professed to you, you are either flattered or disgusted, depending on who is doing the professing and how you feel about the person in your heart.

Only POOR people trade their true feelings for material things.

Imagine a man who was told by a lady that she loves him, telling her to credit his account with some cool money if she truly means it or demanding that he must give her jewelries or an expensive phone or pay his rent or buy him a car.

This is what many Nigerian men deal with daily.

This is where the saying "Make money before finding a girl to marry comes from.

Love is not supposed to cost a thing, but the Nigerian version of love is costing men a lot of money everyday.

Unfortunately, no matter how much a man gives to a lady, she might eventually sleep with the man and even grow to like him a little or much.

That affection is not real.

She might marry him and have children for him.

That affection might evolve into the grudging respect one has for her provider or benefactor.

The fact remains that true love cannot be bought.

So many wives sleep with their husbands while imagining they are sleeping with their true loves, and so many husbands do the same.

The one that bought their affection might have won the marriage race but he didn't win their heart.

In a real relationship, the exchange of gifts must come naturally. So is the willingness to do things for each other and with each other. Physical intimacy is not bought with money or gifts; in fact both parties being in the same space alone will naturally lead to passionate embraces and ultimately sex. (Pastors and parents know this and they would often tell young intending couples to keep apart as much as possible when there are no chaperons in sight)

There is also a willingness to go all out for the other party without any form of reservation or second thought.

When these things are lacking or refuses to come naturally to either party, it is very likely that the relationship is being forced or comes from a place of desperation rather than genuine desire.

So when you meet that lady or that gentleman, and he or she begins to stylishly say, "Send me money for hair, for food, for nails, for eyelashes, to fuel my car, or to buy groceries."

When conversations are always about taking money out of your pocket for his or her benefit.

When he leads with stories of woe and lacks all the time with the expectation of leveraging on your feelings to profit materially

When you say "I love you," and she says, "I don't see any evidence of the love in my closet or my bank account."

It is time to have this talk.

Are we in a transactional relationship or in love?

Of course, it is not that black and white, but this conversation will help you see all the shades of grey in between.

As a lady in a relationship with genuine intentions and a pure heart, if you have to ask your man for anything, he has the capacity to give you before he gives it; you have not found true love.

If you have to write him a list of material things for him to buy in order for you to ascertain his financial ability, you are only hawking your body in exchange for material things.

Many Nigerians don't know what true love is.

Fathers telling their children how they sponsored the education of their wives as a proof of their love has ruined the picture of what true love is.

As a man who truly want to love and be loved, and as a woman who truly wants to love and be loved.

When a love prospect comes, there must be conversations.

You must pay attention to the spoken and unspoken codes.

You must pay attention to the expectations of the person you are with.

If your passion does not match his or her own.

If it seems he only wanted to have sex, or she only wanted to have sex and be gone.

You will see the signs.

If he or she is in it for the long haul or just to add you to the list of their conquests, you will know.

Candid conversations are a must before any contract is signed.

Those who failed to have these conversations, would sign contracts and later find out that they had been duped.

The devil is always in the details.

PS: Join me tomorrow as I start a Marriage and relationship series online.

It will be a no holds barred session and a lot of Questions will be entertained and Answers provided.

For many of us who have a wrong picture of love as a result of our economic situation, we will figure it out and begin to do better.

Royalty cannot love like commoners.

There are different set of rules for true love within a certain class of people.

"Shooting your shot" parameters will be discussed, and clarity will be provided from a modern point of view.

Feminists are invited and so are misogynists (If we must hold ideologies, we must understand them and stick with the principles that validate them.)

We will learn the difference between a woman, a wife, and a mother as we will learn the difference between a man, a husband, and a father (Some of us are good men, bad husbands, and great fathers, while some are good women, bad wives, and great mothers).

The aim is to help sort out realities both from a spiritual perspective and from a horizontal relationship's perspective.

I hope to see you in class.

-GSW-